Your missus-to-be, Me

It was like a dream come true when KL suddenly went down on his knees, holding a small square box in his hands..

I knew it was my destiny, our destiny, to be man & wife. I was touched to the core whilst feeling the warmth from the tears rolling down my cheeks.

In the box lies the very beautiful diamond ring, which I have picked previously from the few ring designs KL showed me. A bright sparkly diamond sits in the centre of the ring, accompanied by 2 lovely pink sapphires on both sides of the diamond. A tiny surprise was found on the inside of the ring, with a small diamond embedded into the bottom of the ring. KL later told me the small diamond represents him. :)

I was overwhelmed. Inside me, so many emotions were waiting to burst out in the gorgeous seaview facing suite in Shangri-la Sentosa or otherwise known as Rasa Sentosa.

The clock has just struck 12, and it was officially my birthday when the doorbell to our room rang. KL opened the door and someone on the outside handed him a tray which I could see from the mirror reflection as I sat on the bed. He took that tray straight to me, and it was a chocolate cake with a "Happy Birthday" tag on it. He then reached into his bag, and at that moment; I thought "Yay, he bought me a present when he said he didn't!" It was not a present. It was a birthday card, and he chose one with a really sweet message this year. I read his handwritten note carefully a few times just so I could embrace and cherish the love coming out from his words. Never did it occur to me that his opening sentence has a hidden meaning to it..

"This is a special day for both of us." I thought it meant special celebrating my birthday in a damn lavish way, in this suite which cost KL close to $500! He has instructed me to get the small plates rinsed so as to eat the cake, and so I did in the bathroom where the basin was. I placed both plates on the tabletop of the small corner bar counter, and turned to KL. At this instant, he knelt down and opened a ring box in front of my face. He was saying something at this point, but my eyes were fixated on the bling in the box that I couldn't hear him. These were his exact words : "Ms Regina Lim, will you marry me?"

I couldn't take my eyes off what I saw, and I finally decided to 'test' if what I saw was just a dream. It wasn't. It was KL who removed the beautiful ring from the box, and placed it on my fourth finger. Unfortunately, the ring was too big on my slim finger.

I couldn't resist keeping the ring on my finger, despite it being too big. I asked for a picture of my hands to be taken by KL, so that I can capture this precious moment for eternity. I had wished time would stop at this instant as I have never felt this happy before.

So, I am officially KL's fiancée.. and this day, marks the start of my lifelong happiness..

Happy & Sad

Is it fair? I ponder after Rianne's appointment at the neurosurgeon.. The most devastating news hit me without any warning, not even the slightest clue I have about my adorable princess being infested with an optical glioma.

A glioma is simply a tumor, and an optical glioma would mean a tumor growth on the optical nerves affecting one's vision; and causing loss of sight ultimately.

I sat speechless, taken aback by what the neurosurgeon had said; my tears just rolled down uncontrollably. Before I know it, I was sobbing like a baby. Rianne have been sitting on my lap obediently as she listened to the unfamiliar doctor whom she registered she will be seeing regularly like the rest of the specialists she sees every 6 months. At this point, she turned around to face me and asked,"Why are you crying, mommy?" I broke down completely.

The neurosurgeon, Dr Seow attempted to console me by saying it could take a long, long time for the glioma to affect Rianne's vision. He said as well as for the tumor to grow in the brain. My mom who has never expected this to fall upon Rianne, asked naively "So, the head will be fine?" Dr Seow knew I might not be able to speak in my current state, spoke on my behalf to my mom in Chinese. It took her a while to understand that a tumor will grow in Rianne's brain indefinitely. Just a matter of when.

Dr Seow elaborated, showing me the slides from Rianne's MRI scan. I finally understood why the brain glioma is inevitable, as the thickening of the optical nerves will eventually flow to the brain.

The nights following Dr Seow's appointment were spent weeping til the wee hours, until my eyes were too strained and decided to shut. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't live like nothing has happened. I kept lamenting and blaming myself for what has happened to Rianne. Along the way, I dragged Papa D into the blame.

Concern and prayers came gushing from friends and relatives who were equally shocked to hear about Rianne. Some of those encouragement really injected a shot of hope and strength into me. I was simply helpless, deciding it was fate that Rianne has to suffer this. I even said, out aloud, that I am willing to take on the suffering for Rianne. If only that can happen..

We were arranged to meet with Rianne's genetic specialist and her eye doctor the few days after seeing Dr Seow. Both appointments delivered very positive feedback on Rianne's current state. Her body development, learning, and speech are all as normal as any other toddler her age. Her vision was the part we were all most concerned about. You can surely imagine how nervous I was walking into the familiar room Rianne walks into every 6 months.

The eye doctor, a very comical one, who never fails to amuse Rianne and even the adults. She has Dr Seow's analysis in the file, and was thinking through what is needed on her end for now. She said the same I heard in Dr Seow's clinic, "There is no need for any immediate treatment for Rianne, as the only thing we could do now is to cut away the thickened optical nerves which will cause Rianne to go blind instantly." Dr Chia in the most comforting mannerism I have ever seen her to be, added that Rianne's current vision is brilliant, the pupils of her eyes are nothing different, and the feel of her eyes are just right. This has been the best news in the whole week, and so I struggled hard to tell myself that positivity will make Rianne stronger.

I cannot help but ask myself again.. Why? Why Rianne? Why can't Rianne be healthy? Why such happy & sad events befall on me altogether? Why, why, why????