Happy & Sad

Is it fair? I ponder after Rianne's appointment at the neurosurgeon.. The most devastating news hit me without any warning, not even the slightest clue I have about my adorable princess being infested with an optical glioma.

A glioma is simply a tumor, and an optical glioma would mean a tumor growth on the optical nerves affecting one's vision; and causing loss of sight ultimately.

I sat speechless, taken aback by what the neurosurgeon had said; my tears just rolled down uncontrollably. Before I know it, I was sobbing like a baby. Rianne have been sitting on my lap obediently as she listened to the unfamiliar doctor whom she registered she will be seeing regularly like the rest of the specialists she sees every 6 months. At this point, she turned around to face me and asked,"Why are you crying, mommy?" I broke down completely.

The neurosurgeon, Dr Seow attempted to console me by saying it could take a long, long time for the glioma to affect Rianne's vision. He said as well as for the tumor to grow in the brain. My mom who has never expected this to fall upon Rianne, asked naively "So, the head will be fine?" Dr Seow knew I might not be able to speak in my current state, spoke on my behalf to my mom in Chinese. It took her a while to understand that a tumor will grow in Rianne's brain indefinitely. Just a matter of when.

Dr Seow elaborated, showing me the slides from Rianne's MRI scan. I finally understood why the brain glioma is inevitable, as the thickening of the optical nerves will eventually flow to the brain.

The nights following Dr Seow's appointment were spent weeping til the wee hours, until my eyes were too strained and decided to shut. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't live like nothing has happened. I kept lamenting and blaming myself for what has happened to Rianne. Along the way, I dragged Papa D into the blame.

Concern and prayers came gushing from friends and relatives who were equally shocked to hear about Rianne. Some of those encouragement really injected a shot of hope and strength into me. I was simply helpless, deciding it was fate that Rianne has to suffer this. I even said, out aloud, that I am willing to take on the suffering for Rianne. If only that can happen..

We were arranged to meet with Rianne's genetic specialist and her eye doctor the few days after seeing Dr Seow. Both appointments delivered very positive feedback on Rianne's current state. Her body development, learning, and speech are all as normal as any other toddler her age. Her vision was the part we were all most concerned about. You can surely imagine how nervous I was walking into the familiar room Rianne walks into every 6 months.

The eye doctor, a very comical one, who never fails to amuse Rianne and even the adults. She has Dr Seow's analysis in the file, and was thinking through what is needed on her end for now. She said the same I heard in Dr Seow's clinic, "There is no need for any immediate treatment for Rianne, as the only thing we could do now is to cut away the thickened optical nerves which will cause Rianne to go blind instantly." Dr Chia in the most comforting mannerism I have ever seen her to be, added that Rianne's current vision is brilliant, the pupils of her eyes are nothing different, and the feel of her eyes are just right. This has been the best news in the whole week, and so I struggled hard to tell myself that positivity will make Rianne stronger.

I cannot help but ask myself again.. Why? Why Rianne? Why can't Rianne be healthy? Why such happy & sad events befall on me altogether? Why, why, why????