Depression, you earned it???

I often wonder how is it like in depression? Apart from being depressed, what is it that makes depression a medical condition; one that could even take away your life.. 

Life is so fragile, that sometimes you wished you never lived. For me, I thought I will live a new lease of life after my miscarriage. Move on with my life, work on improving my marriage, eat and live healthily and prep myself for my next pregnancy. No, none of these. I was not doing any of these except taking the folic acid tablets which Dr Han has prescribed. The truth is, I can't.. I am constantly reminded of my baby's death, my baby, who never made it to taking its first breath on planet Earth.

I lost control of myself in a rather extreme way. I took it out on myself more than anyone else. I ate and ate in an attempt to make me feel happier, but it didn't work that way. Instead, my emotions plummeted as my weight soared to a sky high. 

Before I was married to KL, I weighed around 42 kg; and had a nice figure that I was proud of being a mother of one. My failed pregnancy gave me lots of weight and I never lost them even though I lost my baby. I actually weigh a freaking 52 kg now, and increasing! My best friend had pressed on my hand one day and told me I had lots of water in my body aka 'water retention'. 

It didn't bother me. I didn't care if my body was akin to a water bomb, and if I look ugly being so heavy and fat. I wanted to look exactly fat and ugly. I want to look as if I am still pregnant. I want people to look at me and feel envious of me being pregnant. I want to watch my belly expand as my 'pregnancy' progresses. I want passengers on the MRT to give up their seat to me so that I do not get tired standing on the train with my big belly. I wanted all of these, I so freaking want them!!!! 

It got to a point where I started feeling jealous of the thing I don't have anymore and other people still has. I so hate the fact that they are happy to be fat, to be pleased to receive a seat on the overcrowded trains at peak hours, to be sashaying around with that almost-exploding belly of theirs, to have a life inside their stomach and waiting to make their life complete. I so hate them! I should be like them, I was going to be like them!! 

I still tear whenever I see a pregnant woman, I still feel that loss, like it was only yesterday when Dr Han told us my foetus had no more heartbeat. I wanted that day to had never happened, to be completely deleted from my memory, I want to be happy not depressed.