Huge efforts!

Somehow I am always learning things through the hard way, and that I reckon this is God's personalised way of beefing me up. To train me to be a stronger and better individual? I hope it is, coz I am very much still fragile on the inside, and has never stopped acting tough on the outside..

The two very important things in my life, now seem to be the ones that get me down on my knees, and forcing me into a state of begging for mercy. They mean so much to me, that at any one point, I know I would definitely become insane if I were to lose either one of them. It may sound silly and ridiculous as you wonder, how can something of such importance be the same thing to break me down, and leave me feeling helpless and clueless?!

Yes, they very much do.. especially when these 2 things do not gel together, or in fact, are conflicting against each other. I am talking about my relationship with 'K' (aka Mr Pig), and my family. It has been like a rollercoaster ride being in love with someone of a different cultural background, strong traditional beliefs and regard of himself with high integrity. My status as a single mum, just didn't work to my advantage, which I am already quite certain there are no advantages leading to it.

K is not despising me for the mistakes I have made in the past, but it is affecting him in many ways, and that makes me miserable. There is nothing I can do now to reverse the past, and change my initial decision about being a single mum. The fact of me having a child from my previous relationship, is creating lots of discomfort to him as he would never be able to recognize me in front of his family and friends from back home. Although he is also mad at himself for not being able to do that, he has no choice..

The second important thing is kinship, which I would never be able to let go and sacrifice. I am ashamed to say that I have been compromising on the time I have with my family especially Rianne, since the start of my relationship with K. I don't know if anyone of you is starting to feel disgusted or intending to throw stones at me now, but this is really not what I want to do in the current situation..

I am lucky to have my mum looking after Rianne when I am out working my a*#. However, I would appreciate greatly if she is a little more tolerant and understanding towards what I am 'balancing' right now - time between K and them.

There isn't a lot of time I can allocate to either party, practically only the weekends. If my mum is not able to compromise and agree that I need time for my relationship to grow and nuture, it will be just too hard for me. I am not indicating that Rianne will not need my time with her, but it is just that she is still young, and she would probably not need so much of my attention (she will be contented as long as she has her grandma with her!). I even think that it doesn't make a difference to her if she don't see me for a night or two, coz this is exactly what happens on nights when I have class or have to work late. Rianne would not see me for a few days, and she will not be yearning for me like how much she yearns for her grandma.

The story of both sides can go on and go.. but ultimately, I will need to come up with a solution that pleases them both. All I want is my happiness, and that they will also be happy in my pursuit of happyness..