Confessions of a workaholic

I know you have probably read a similar 'confession' post in my blog a few years back.. but I'm sure I wasn't bragging about work then.

Who in a good state of mind would ever confess they are a workaholic?! People who bury themselves into tonnes and tonnes of work are often (at least by the superficial me) categorized as 'people with no lives'.  This group is typically seen as the least desirable population of people, since they rather be working every minute of their life than to be caught dead socializing or enjoying life.

People who stay late at work all the time (with the exception of those working closely with the Americas or the EMEA region) are always doubted. They are deemed to be inefficient with poor time management skills, and hence couldn't finish their work on time n need to work beyond the official hours. 

But, no one remembers the term 'burnt out'? 

When someone says they are burnt out at work, it means they are drowning by the tremendous work volume; and have directly/indirectly caused an impact on their family/social lives; which brings us to another term commonly heard in the corporate world - 'Worklife Balance'. 

Workaholics in the instance of work being overloaded, do not have the mindset to stop working at 6pm and come back the next day to complete the outstanding work. They try their very best to finish up so as not to snowball to the next day. 

Yes, you may say that this is not a long term solution to a 'burn out'. I agree, but that is probably the only way out when it is clear that you are short of resources, and that no one else can do what you do in your team until something happens. 

So for now, I remain a workaholic and return to home past midnight, staring at my daughter's beautiful face as she laid on the bed fast asleep. 

My shortlived happiness

No words can describe the grief in losing my unborn in just a few weeks' time. In fact, I don't reckon anyone can ever understand or feel the same way as I did; unless they have undergone the same. Actually, no, I would never want another woman to go through the same grief, as it is really too, too painful. 

But, reality bites; and it bites really hard, so much that you need to give yourself a bite in order to believe that it wasn't a nightmare.. 

On my second appointment with Dr Han, he detected a tiny weeny foetus with a little weak heartbeat. To us, that was an improvement compared to my first visit. But, Dr Han did not feel the same. He was quite certain that my baby did not grow, as he was expecting a 6 weeks old foetus to be bigger and have a more postive heartbeat.

Dr Han dropped the bomb on us next. He asked if we want to remove the foetus now or wait for another week. I was at a loss and also in shock, I did not believe that my baby was not going to make it. I'm quite sure KL was not processing what Dr Han said, as he was completely speechless too.

I had to protect my baby. I was not ready to give it up. I wanted to give him another chance to fight for his survival, so how can me, his mother, derive him of the chance?! I told Dr Han I wanted to wait, and he said fine, but there has to be growth by next week else we will lose the baby eventually. 

That one week's wait was unbearable, but what was to come in the consultation was more than unbearable. Dr Han did the scan for me, and he could not find a heartbeat in my foetus; not anymore. 

He recommended the foetus removal to be done in the hospital on the next working day. Dr Han tried his best to console me by asking me not to be too sad as I can conceive again after this miscarriage. He added that it is actually better as it is detected early than later on in my pregnancy when it might be too hard for me to take it then.

My world came crashing down. I quickly took all the instructions and necessary paperwork from the nurses at the clinic in auto-pilot mode, and wanted to just bury my face into my pillow back at home. I couldn't hold back my tears, and started weeping on the train ride home; making Rianne sob at the same time too. Rianne was not taking the news too well. She was extremely upset that she isn't going to have a baby brother or sister anymore.

I cried myself to bed twice, after waking up at 6am in the morning and unable to go back to sleep. I refused to accept the fact that my baby had died. I hate to believe that this tragedy had happened to me. Why me? Why my baby?! Why couldn't it stay longer with us? Why, why, why???!!

Then I started blaming myself, blaming my husband. It must be me who had been careless, clumsy, or ignorant and not know what I may have done to hurt my body, and killed my own flesh and blood! Or, it must have been KL. He was too weak and as a result, our baby was conceived too weak and couldn't survive!  

So many thoughts came streaming through my mind, and at a point; I began hallucinating. I felt that my baby has revived, and is growing as I could feel its heartbeat and its strong kicks telling me, it's alive! 

When Monday finally came, all the hallucinations stopped. It seems like I suddenly got enlightened, and was accepting the miscarriage perfectly. I sat through the entire registration process calmly, until when KL has to be separated from me; I started feeling scared. 

I was so fearful, and couldn't stop crying from one service point to another. When I was finally pushed into the operating threatre, I broke down completely. I was emotionally unstable, and was shivering so badly that everyone inside thought I was too cold. 

The nurses and staff in the theatre took turns to come forward to wipe the tears away from my face, and comforted me by assuring me that everything will be fine. I don't know how long this went on. But I remembered the last person who consoled me was a doctor from Dr Han's team. She carried Dr Han's instruction to come check on me first, and start the anesthesia.

My last words when I was still sober was "I don't want..".

The next time I was conscious, I heard someone telling me to open my mouth; as I felt something being taken out of my mouth, which is likely the tube which was placed during the GA to facilitate my breathing. 

The entire procedure was done so quickly even before I realise it. I had asked a nurse just so that it is confirmed that Dr Han had already removed my foetus. 

My nerves got the better out of me again, and I was crying uncontrollably lying down in a drowsy state in the recovery room. The nurses who came to check on me, wiped my tears and comforted me by saying that I can always try again and asked me to be strong and take good care of my body. 

You know, the entire experience at KKH was really heartwarming. Although I was alone undergoing the surgery, everyone cared and shown concern; and gave me encouragement when they need not have to. I couldn't have been more thankful to the nurses and staff who were accompanying me through this hardest time of my life. Of course, I was more than grateful to have KL waiting for me outside the Day Sugery centre, and taking care of me in his best possible ways back at home. 

Yesterday I saw a beautiful butterfly flying towards me when I opened my gate. It was fluttering its wings so eagerly, flying right into my arms. I knew it was my baby, my beautiful baby, who is as free as a butterfly now.. 

May you rest in peace, my baby. 

A new journey begins.. again!!!

Vivid memories of how and why I started blogging started to surface today.. I remembered I wanted to document all my precious moments during my entire pregnancy, including the good, the bad, and even the ugly!! The ultimatum can be found at the end of this post..

Now, here I am again, at this same phase of my life; bringing into the world a new addition to our family in a few months' time! :)

I don't really want to fuss about my pregnancy.. Hell no! How can I not fuss?! Who am I trying to kid?!!! I am more than just fussing, I am extremely careful and super thankful! For a start, my gratitude goes to only God, coz he heard and answered my constant prayers! Halijueja!! 

Being 37 this year, pregnancy can actually mean a dangerous 'medical condition' for me; especially since I had complications in my last pregnancy. 

My very professional gynae went on to greener pastures at the very private Mt Elizabeth Novena Center where he practices gynaecology and ob. No more is he at the affordable KK Women's & Children's hospital, where he was very catiously monitoring my pregnancy complication known as 'pre-eclampsia' and delivering Rianne safely.

I would love to go back to Dr Wee HY, but all I can say is, it will be a goddamn luxury if I engage him at the kind of rates his private clinic charges! 

Knowing that I might have to undergo a bunch of tests before finalizing my pregnancy, there was no time to lose! I knew a couple of my BFFs had their children delivered at private hospitals and that was not our plan. I seriously agree with what my friend, X, had urged about me going with KKH since I have a history of pre-eclampsia. Hence, we needed to find a 'replacement' to my Dr Wee who delivers at KKH. 

My friend X and Z had shared their experiences with Dr Han How Chuan who delivered their kids 7 years and 3 years back respectively. I felt kinda assured somehow hearing how confident this Dr Han is, and decided to do more research on him. I was already suspicious  of this Dr Han being the same Dr Han whom my mom is seeing since her operation a decade or two back, and a picture obtained from the internet confirmed this!! 

With this, I set my eyes on this Dr Han and wanted him to deliver my second child.. So, I called up KKH more than eagerly to secure an appointment with the very in-demand Dr Han (deduced this from testimonials & forums online) at approximately 7 weeks of my pregnancy. 

Who would have expected history to repeat itself and I was having spotting again (it happened in the first trimester too when I was with Rianne!) that came with lower abdomen and pelvis pain. 

The spotting lasted an entire day on Friday and continued into Saturday, when I decided not to take it lightly and went straight to the A&E at KKH. 

I cannot tell you how tramautic the whole experience was for me, right from the minute the doctor says they couldn't see my pregnancy and ordered a blood test for me. The test for the BCG level will determine if my pregnancy is normal or if it might be an abnormal one, such as an etopic pregnancy. 

Blood test results came back, and the concerned doctor wanted to be double sure and ordered for an ultrasound scan to see if they can find the foetus. Still nothing can be seen. The A&E doctor wanted me to return in 2 days time to assertain the pregnancy, but 3 days later I will be meeting Dr Han. Thus, I can just see Dr Han on Tuesday itself for his further examination. 

Anxious for my first gynae visit with KL, and even more anxious for Dr Han to confirm my pregnancy is normal and stable..

The ultimatum as mentioned, my post childbirth state in 2009!!

 

Wives are scary and disrespectful meh??

I chanced upon this article (link below) which a wife was sharing her behaviour & attitude towards her husband for over a decade ever since she was married to him. It is weird, (tell me if you think the same too!) as she was calling it abuse.

http://brando.tickld.com/x/woman-realizes-that-shes-been-accidentally-abusing-her-husband-this-whole-time

My first thought after reading it was "What?! The wife and the husband swopped bodies is it? It was the husband who wrote this right?!!" Why would any woman, in a good state of mind publicly announce that she is abusing (verbally) her husband? If that was really abuse, wouldn't she be already prosecuted? Or worse, already ditched by the husband?

It doesn't make any sense to me especially when I truly believe that a woman (more so for a married one) tends to be more attentive to details than a man. So, it is of course of no surprise to me that a man will simply not notice the types of meat (leaner, less fats), the brand of household products, the process of washing colored clothes separately, or even the concerns over leaving hazardous items around a young toddler, which a wife painstakingly makes it a point to rememember all for the sake of her loved ones. Initiating a healthy diet for the entire family, making sure her loved ones are free from the threats of potential chemical poisioning and avoiding monetary losses to the household. The kind of efforts and attention to details says a lot.

You think about it. The men who don't remember details as mentioned above, amazingly can be the most meticulous when it comes to ensuring their work shirts are ironed with starch and not just plain water; or that their underwears definitely must be of breathable fabric (non-synthetic will be the best!) or of a certain brand hailing from Japan! I thought they didn't care? Or it is of no big deal?

Apparently losing yourself at the husband shows not just your disappointment of them failing to remember the key details; but also serving as a reminder to them not to repeat the same again. But, tell me, will they remember the next time? No, they will not. 

I'm married to the man I dated for 3 years , and 1 year into our marriage; I still find my bowl of noodles (whenever the order was placed by my husband) containing spring onions everytime!! Do I feel disappointed or upset that he forgets? Yes, I do but I learnt that you just have to constantly remind him each time before he places the order. It doesn't kill. 

However, I will be extremely angry if my husband is neligent around the children. And I think a little screaming to get things into his head is quite harmless isn't it? We are not out to belittle or insult the man we love, even more not to abuse. I prefer to call it positive reinforcement. 

Our first wedding anniversary

Unbelievable it may be, but we actually survived our first year of marriage. A first year of being husband and wife, but staying apart.

At some point, I think this is a pretty good arrangement. Knowing how 'relaxed' KL is with everything except money, it is to my best interest that he is not staying with me and Rianne as I cannot afford to lose myself every single day on top of going crazy with Rianne. However, on the flip side, living apart now may mean more adapting, understanding  and patience required when its time to stay together. 

We are a weird kinda couple you may like to describe us as. We sometimes quarel so fiercely like it is for sure to end up in a divorce, or sometimes the relationship got to this stage where I lied to KL about me having an affair behind his back. Hah, yes, I was this nasty to him! But, he was equally demanding too. When it comes to our joint finances, I am not getting why KL is so particular or so meticulous in the tracking and planning of our budget, savings and expenses. So much so that I cannot breathe at times. 

He insists that I properly track my expenditure and expenses on Rianne in a mobile phone app. I'm the kind who doesn't throw any receipts/bills away (useful when I need to do an exchange for things bought wrongly on impulse, haha!!), but I'm totally not the kind who will immediately organize or enter the spendings into a spreadsheet (in this case, an app). Hence, I refuse to give in to his request as I know I won't be able to adhere. 

Many (I believe guys) would praise KL for this wonderful, life saving habit; but not me. I mean, if this is what he is and what he wants to do; be my guest. He can do so himself, but not demand me to do the same. 

Well, I don't want this post to end up sounding like a complaining post about my husband. He isn't perfect, so am I. He has the virtues that I may not be able to appreciate now, but I am sure I will be thankful for them in the long term. 

Here's a big THANK YOU to the man who's forever so patient and well-tempered towards his 2 babies. I love you, lao gong, forever and ever. Happy Anniversary! 

The passing of Singapore's first PM, our Founding Father

The news shocked people all over the world. More specifically, every Singaporean was not able to come to terms with this incredibly sad news. Our Founding Father is no more. Mr Lee Kuan Yew has passed away on 23 Mar 2015 at 3.18am. 

The nation was in grief since Monday, 23 Mar 2015 and the hardest to take was when our PM, Mr Lee Hsien Loong announced in Parliament, the passing of his father; just hours after. 

I immediately went into denial, wanting it to be just one of the malicious rumours people spread every year before National Day or before Mr Lee Kuan Yew's birthday. However, it wasn't a rumour.. it was the truth. 

Condolences and tribute messages started flooding social media. Tribute centers were formed overnight and they were ready for people to pen their condolences for the late Mr Lee, place beautiful but mournful flowers as well as being a place for those who just want to spend a silent moment or two in front of numerous pictures of the great leader telling him "Thank you, Mr Lee for all you have done for Singapore, for us."

It was a diffcult 7 days for the entire nation when majority of the country men and women were weeping and grieving for a man who many were not that fortunate to have met him or spoke to him in person. 

Our mourning made international headlines when people spent hours queuing to pay their last respects to Mr. Lee Kuan Yew lying in state at the Parliament House, despite all conditions. 

The elderly in walking sticks, disabled seated in their wheelchairs, toddlers pushed in baby strollers, the sickly on strict medication schedule, the blue/white/no collar population taking time off work, and MPs taking turns to be with the queuing crowd, moves everyone (minus the odd minority) within the country and outside. Samaritians from all walks of life coming forward to give out food, drinks, fans, umbrellas to people in line with no expectation to be thanked or even be famed on tv/papers. It was a never seen before unity. Singaporeans coming together in times of distress, helping one another. 

On the other hand, negativity built up and spread like wild fire. One article after another, inducing comments after comments. It got so bad that some young junevile was charged in court for his 'personal views' on Mr. Lee Kuan Yew and also Christianity. What this triggered was a question that people living in this country since day 1 were still doubting - "Is there no freedom of speech in Singapore?" 

If we can't say what we want to say, then Singapore would be so much a 'quiet' country. Would your social media be this colorful (some say distasteful)?! Will there even be a need for a public speaking area in Hong Lim Park (if you have not already known and is asking the above question) if we Singaporeans can't speak freely. 

Let me turn the tables around and ask you instead, "Freedom of speech - do we speak with absolute dignity and respect for others?" Think about it, think about A.Y. who spoke without considering this question.. 

Wise up or open your eyes and read this..

It was never my intention to use my blog as a channel to vent, rant and lament about my miserable life; or how evil some people may be. I only wanted a platform to share with everyone, how experiences has moulded me into a strong woman, how my life has enriched along the years, and most importantly, how and somehow things happened to me for a reason..

I hate to admit that I feel, think and behave like a sexist. I do not discriminate the 'other' gender, but I stereo-type them all the time. I basically have that mindset 'pre-programmed' into my little brain, that men are all bad things. If bad is a terrible term to use on them, then how about "they are creatures who will at some point, hurt a woman, be it phyiscally or emotionally."??

I bet everyone has heard way too many stories about husband's infidelity, husband's notorious gambling, drinking, or drugs habits, husband who is abusive, and husbands who CHEAT! There is absolutely no way (not even over my dead body!) that I can condone infidelity. 

No excuse is acceptable nor reasonable (included reasonable because some men made infidelity sounds so justifiable!) in the case of an adultery! Yes, adultery is the legal term in the event a married person gets involved in another love relationship with a 3rd person regardless if it is sexual as well. And this applies to both genders, not just the men..

It often dawned upon me that men get married for the various reasons :

- permanent sex partner (1 only so risk of STD/AIDS = zero)

- willing maid in replacement of naggy mom/sister who has cleared and washed your dishes and laundry all their lives

- co-payer for all living expenses, including the chips you snack on every other day, and do you know that petrol is a damn expensive oil??!! 

- listening ear who patiently lends her ears, shoulders (you'l be surprised) to a whiny, ambitious man who complains every single day of why a peer is promoted instead of him

- a subsitute to entertain his parents, family, and relatives (like as if we women never run out of conversation topics!)

- a coerced function partner.. If only she still have the figure to fit that body-hugging bandage dress (tell me after you experienced childbirth!); or the energy to slap on layers and layers of makeup so as not to embrrass the husband in that gala party!!! 

The above speak for themselves, don't they?! I am not one smart woman and I can come up with this list. So how dumb we women actually are; to know these and still fall straight into the trap! No, don't call us dumb; call us blind. How easy it is to be blinded by love, and believe that love is everything. That love can put everything in place, and fix things that have gone awry... If love can do all these, then someone should brew tonnes of love potion to save broken hearts in this world every single minute. 

Back to what I said about things happening for a reason. You just gotta trust it if you caught a stealing husband, red-handed or with sufficient evidence to believe he cheated. Don't give him the benefit of doubt, why need to? It only makes him think that he got a dumb wife and that his cheating will go undiscovered forever. He's so damn wrong.. Didn't he watch 'Gone Girl'?? 

Women out there, listen up. No one should ever mistreat you, especially if he is the one who vowed in front of the whole world he would never do so.. You are a beautiful being, and you deserve to be treated like a human.