The annoying husband

Seriously, I cannot stand how insensitive, immature and annoying the husband can be during the wife's pregnancy! 

In my first pregnancy, I was both quick and hot tempered. I was so independent being single and expecting, since Daddy D was in the UK that time, and we weren't gonna get married ultimately. This time I felt the same, equally independent and enpowered to do a lot of things on my own without the need to rely on KL. I think because of this, I always feel annoyed by things/suggestions from KL. 

Not like I get mad over the slightest thing.  But rather the things/comments from him were the bluntest ever, without a slight consideration to the person listening to him. 

Things from superstitions in pregnancy to pregnancy woes to confinement. He know nuts about them, but yet his comments were ultra-insensitive that makes you feel like telling him to shut up or simply shut him up yourself with a tight slap! 

I don't know. I really need to care less about how annoyed I feel with KL, his words and his actions. I only make myself  angry and unhappy, which is not good at all for the baby. 

If I can wish for something, I wish that all men can put themselves in the pregnant wife's shoes and be a bit more thoughtful, sensitive and understanding on the kind of hormonal, physical and mental changes we are going thru, and leave us alone for goodness sake!! Do only what the husband need to do and don't unnecessarily make 'small actions' to annoy the pregnant wife. 

Thank you, husbands.

High time?

Ok, i think its about time I reveal..

God has been really kind to bless me with another little angel! I cannot thank HIM enough for his wonderful blessings, and the strength HE gave me to press on through the very difficult first trimester of my pregnancy!

As per my past pregnancies, I was spotting very early at the start. In fact, I thought I was having my period and I was all ready to bring on the chunky-uncomfortable-sanitary pads-changing week! But I realised it is not looking anything like the normal menstruation I would have, and decided that maybe I should do a pregancy test.

It was funny how I was saving my very first pee of the day for the test, despite how 'urgent' I needed to go! 

I sat on the toilet bowl, holding the test stick in my hand, and refusing to peep at the results. I wasn't ready to face another disappointment, though we didn't try to conceive accordingly to what would have been the right date/time to try. Still, the anticipation would have killed me; so I eventually had to look. And, there it was! 2 lines appeared on the little window of the stick which means "I'm pregnant!"

It was such an overwhelming joy that I have to share the news with someone, and that someone was no other than Rianne!! I woke her gently from her sleep and told her that "Mommy is having a baby liao!" Her little sleepy eyes opened with bewilderment, and I had to wave the pregnancy test kit in the air to signal to her that the test has proven so. 

Of course the next person to know about my pregnancy was KL. I can't tell exactly how thrilled he was, as he probably was just trying to be as practical as he can be, on the account that we lost a baby a few months back.. 

The decision on not to go back to Dr Han was kinda determined by myself instead of with KL. I knew that only my previous gynae, Dr Wee, would do anything to ensure my pregnancy is not prematurely terminated. I know that I would be in good hands with him, and that his cost (completely private now) will definitely be worth it. It didn't take long for KL to come to the same realisation, as Dr Wee did all he can to prevent me from losing my baby in the same way I did before. 

On my first appointment with him, he placed me on hospitalization leave immediately and gave me a jab to strengthen my foetus while I take bedrest for the next 2 weeks. I was following Dr Wee's advice for the majority of time, but I still chose to work from home some days and even hosted a company event at an old aged home on one of the days! 

The spotting did not stop after 1 week, and Dr Wee gave me another jab. The 2nd week when I was still bleeding, Dr Wee ordered me to be hospitalized. He found a blood clot just above my foetus from the scan and says it isn't good if the spotting still persists. He very clearly says the key priority is to stop the bleeding and ensure I don't lose my baby like the last time. Hence, to be admitted and be on complete bedrest is the best option for me. 

While he gives me another jab (my third already!), I cried and thought of my previous miscarriage. I don't want to go through the same again, I want to protect my baby! With these in mind, I admitted myself to KKH the following day. I was there for a total of 3 days, lying on the bed and only getting off for nature's calls and showers. I stopped bleeding on Christmas Eve and was discharged. 

I count my blessings everyday and thank God for granting me with this second chance to mother a new little life. Because of HIS love, I am able to blog here and tell the whole world that I'm going to be the proud mother of a baby boy!! :)

My precious, my flesh & blood

I almost can't believe that, the little cute body, the tiny limbs with chubby chub chub fingers & toes is now 7 years of age and entering the most important milestone of her life - primary school education. 

My precious baby is all grown up. She now carries a school bag that is as big as her entire upper torso, and wears a school uniform with skirt/shorts hemming over her knees! She even shoo-shoos me away when I stand peeping at her in the canteen on the 3rd day of school!

The experience of Rianne going into primary school has been overwhelming for me. The added responsibilities to ensure that I pack her school bag and snacks box according to the timetable, have her school uniform ironed and ready, prepare her daily allowance, check and sign off her Pupil's Handbook and any other memos to the parents, etc. These and the unbreakable committment of being home on time to tuck her to bed, started to take its toll on me. I learnt that I need to rest as early as Rianne each night so as not to break the daily momentum. 

In a way, this is good. I hardly ever went to bed at 8.30pm or even 9pm. I feel very much rested, though sometimes I struggle a little to fall asleep. This is a smart move as afterall, I have another little life inside of me now, relying on me to grow and develop well.. :)

Depression, you earned it???

I often wonder how is it like in depression? Apart from being depressed, what is it that makes depression a medical condition; one that could even take away your life.. 

Life is so fragile, that sometimes you wished you never lived. For me, I thought I will live a new lease of life after my miscarriage. Move on with my life, work on improving my marriage, eat and live healthily and prep myself for my next pregnancy. No, none of these. I was not doing any of these except taking the folic acid tablets which Dr Han has prescribed. The truth is, I can't.. I am constantly reminded of my baby's death, my baby, who never made it to taking its first breath on planet Earth.

I lost control of myself in a rather extreme way. I took it out on myself more than anyone else. I ate and ate in an attempt to make me feel happier, but it didn't work that way. Instead, my emotions plummeted as my weight soared to a sky high. 

Before I was married to KL, I weighed around 42 kg; and had a nice figure that I was proud of being a mother of one. My failed pregnancy gave me lots of weight and I never lost them even though I lost my baby. I actually weigh a freaking 52 kg now, and increasing! My best friend had pressed on my hand one day and told me I had lots of water in my body aka 'water retention'. 

It didn't bother me. I didn't care if my body was akin to a water bomb, and if I look ugly being so heavy and fat. I wanted to look exactly fat and ugly. I want to look as if I am still pregnant. I want people to look at me and feel envious of me being pregnant. I want to watch my belly expand as my 'pregnancy' progresses. I want passengers on the MRT to give up their seat to me so that I do not get tired standing on the train with my big belly. I wanted all of these, I so freaking want them!!!! 

It got to a point where I started feeling jealous of the thing I don't have anymore and other people still has. I so hate the fact that they are happy to be fat, to be pleased to receive a seat on the overcrowded trains at peak hours, to be sashaying around with that almost-exploding belly of theirs, to have a life inside their stomach and waiting to make their life complete. I so hate them! I should be like them, I was going to be like them!! 

I still tear whenever I see a pregnant woman, I still feel that loss, like it was only yesterday when Dr Han told us my foetus had no more heartbeat. I wanted that day to had never happened, to be completely deleted from my memory, I want to be happy not depressed. 

Confessions of a workaholic

I know you have probably read a similar 'confession' post in my blog a few years back.. but I'm sure I wasn't bragging about work then.

Who in a good state of mind would ever confess they are a workaholic?! People who bury themselves into tonnes and tonnes of work are often (at least by the superficial me) categorized as 'people with no lives'.  This group is typically seen as the least desirable population of people, since they rather be working every minute of their life than to be caught dead socializing or enjoying life.

People who stay late at work all the time (with the exception of those working closely with the Americas or the EMEA region) are always doubted. They are deemed to be inefficient with poor time management skills, and hence couldn't finish their work on time n need to work beyond the official hours. 

But, no one remembers the term 'burnt out'? 

When someone says they are burnt out at work, it means they are drowning by the tremendous work volume; and have directly/indirectly caused an impact on their family/social lives; which brings us to another term commonly heard in the corporate world - 'Worklife Balance'. 

Workaholics in the instance of work being overloaded, do not have the mindset to stop working at 6pm and come back the next day to complete the outstanding work. They try their very best to finish up so as not to snowball to the next day. 

Yes, you may say that this is not a long term solution to a 'burn out'. I agree, but that is probably the only way out when it is clear that you are short of resources, and that no one else can do what you do in your team until something happens. 

So for now, I remain a workaholic and return to home past midnight, staring at my daughter's beautiful face as she laid on the bed fast asleep. 

My shortlived happiness

No words can describe the grief in losing my unborn in just a few weeks' time. In fact, I don't reckon anyone can ever understand or feel the same way as I did; unless they have undergone the same. Actually, no, I would never want another woman to go through the same grief, as it is really too, too painful. 

But, reality bites; and it bites really hard, so much that you need to give yourself a bite in order to believe that it wasn't a nightmare.. 

On my second appointment with Dr Han, he detected a tiny weeny foetus with a little weak heartbeat. To us, that was an improvement compared to my first visit. But, Dr Han did not feel the same. He was quite certain that my baby did not grow, as he was expecting a 6 weeks old foetus to be bigger and have a more postive heartbeat.

Dr Han dropped the bomb on us next. He asked if we want to remove the foetus now or wait for another week. I was at a loss and also in shock, I did not believe that my baby was not going to make it. I'm quite sure KL was not processing what Dr Han said, as he was completely speechless too.

I had to protect my baby. I was not ready to give it up. I wanted to give him another chance to fight for his survival, so how can me, his mother, derive him of the chance?! I told Dr Han I wanted to wait, and he said fine, but there has to be growth by next week else we will lose the baby eventually. 

That one week's wait was unbearable, but what was to come in the consultation was more than unbearable. Dr Han did the scan for me, and he could not find a heartbeat in my foetus; not anymore. 

He recommended the foetus removal to be done in the hospital on the next working day. Dr Han tried his best to console me by asking me not to be too sad as I can conceive again after this miscarriage. He added that it is actually better as it is detected early than later on in my pregnancy when it might be too hard for me to take it then.

My world came crashing down. I quickly took all the instructions and necessary paperwork from the nurses at the clinic in auto-pilot mode, and wanted to just bury my face into my pillow back at home. I couldn't hold back my tears, and started weeping on the train ride home; making Rianne sob at the same time too. Rianne was not taking the news too well. She was extremely upset that she isn't going to have a baby brother or sister anymore.

I cried myself to bed twice, after waking up at 6am in the morning and unable to go back to sleep. I refused to accept the fact that my baby had died. I hate to believe that this tragedy had happened to me. Why me? Why my baby?! Why couldn't it stay longer with us? Why, why, why???!!

Then I started blaming myself, blaming my husband. It must be me who had been careless, clumsy, or ignorant and not know what I may have done to hurt my body, and killed my own flesh and blood! Or, it must have been KL. He was too weak and as a result, our baby was conceived too weak and couldn't survive!  

So many thoughts came streaming through my mind, and at a point; I began hallucinating. I felt that my baby has revived, and is growing as I could feel its heartbeat and its strong kicks telling me, it's alive! 

When Monday finally came, all the hallucinations stopped. It seems like I suddenly got enlightened, and was accepting the miscarriage perfectly. I sat through the entire registration process calmly, until when KL has to be separated from me; I started feeling scared. 

I was so fearful, and couldn't stop crying from one service point to another. When I was finally pushed into the operating threatre, I broke down completely. I was emotionally unstable, and was shivering so badly that everyone inside thought I was too cold. 

The nurses and staff in the theatre took turns to come forward to wipe the tears away from my face, and comforted me by assuring me that everything will be fine. I don't know how long this went on. But I remembered the last person who consoled me was a doctor from Dr Han's team. She carried Dr Han's instruction to come check on me first, and start the anesthesia.

My last words when I was still sober was "I don't want..".

The next time I was conscious, I heard someone telling me to open my mouth; as I felt something being taken out of my mouth, which is likely the tube which was placed during the GA to facilitate my breathing. 

The entire procedure was done so quickly even before I realise it. I had asked a nurse just so that it is confirmed that Dr Han had already removed my foetus. 

My nerves got the better out of me again, and I was crying uncontrollably lying down in a drowsy state in the recovery room. The nurses who came to check on me, wiped my tears and comforted me by saying that I can always try again and asked me to be strong and take good care of my body. 

You know, the entire experience at KKH was really heartwarming. Although I was alone undergoing the surgery, everyone cared and shown concern; and gave me encouragement when they need not have to. I couldn't have been more thankful to the nurses and staff who were accompanying me through this hardest time of my life. Of course, I was more than grateful to have KL waiting for me outside the Day Sugery centre, and taking care of me in his best possible ways back at home. 

Yesterday I saw a beautiful butterfly flying towards me when I opened my gate. It was fluttering its wings so eagerly, flying right into my arms. I knew it was my baby, my beautiful baby, who is as free as a butterfly now.. 

May you rest in peace, my baby. 

A new journey begins.. again!!!

Vivid memories of how and why I started blogging started to surface today.. I remembered I wanted to document all my precious moments during my entire pregnancy, including the good, the bad, and even the ugly!! The ultimatum can be found at the end of this post..

Now, here I am again, at this same phase of my life; bringing into the world a new addition to our family in a few months' time! :)

I don't really want to fuss about my pregnancy.. Hell no! How can I not fuss?! Who am I trying to kid?!!! I am more than just fussing, I am extremely careful and super thankful! For a start, my gratitude goes to only God, coz he heard and answered my constant prayers! Halijueja!! 

Being 37 this year, pregnancy can actually mean a dangerous 'medical condition' for me; especially since I had complications in my last pregnancy. 

My very professional gynae went on to greener pastures at the very private Mt Elizabeth Novena Center where he practices gynaecology and ob. No more is he at the affordable KK Women's & Children's hospital, where he was very catiously monitoring my pregnancy complication known as 'pre-eclampsia' and delivering Rianne safely.

I would love to go back to Dr Wee HY, but all I can say is, it will be a goddamn luxury if I engage him at the kind of rates his private clinic charges! 

Knowing that I might have to undergo a bunch of tests before finalizing my pregnancy, there was no time to lose! I knew a couple of my BFFs had their children delivered at private hospitals and that was not our plan. I seriously agree with what my friend, X, had urged about me going with KKH since I have a history of pre-eclampsia. Hence, we needed to find a 'replacement' to my Dr Wee who delivers at KKH. 

My friend X and Z had shared their experiences with Dr Han How Chuan who delivered their kids 7 years and 3 years back respectively. I felt kinda assured somehow hearing how confident this Dr Han is, and decided to do more research on him. I was already suspicious  of this Dr Han being the same Dr Han whom my mom is seeing since her operation a decade or two back, and a picture obtained from the internet confirmed this!! 

With this, I set my eyes on this Dr Han and wanted him to deliver my second child.. So, I called up KKH more than eagerly to secure an appointment with the very in-demand Dr Han (deduced this from testimonials & forums online) at approximately 7 weeks of my pregnancy. 

Who would have expected history to repeat itself and I was having spotting again (it happened in the first trimester too when I was with Rianne!) that came with lower abdomen and pelvis pain. 

The spotting lasted an entire day on Friday and continued into Saturday, when I decided not to take it lightly and went straight to the A&E at KKH. 

I cannot tell you how tramautic the whole experience was for me, right from the minute the doctor says they couldn't see my pregnancy and ordered a blood test for me. The test for the BCG level will determine if my pregnancy is normal or if it might be an abnormal one, such as an etopic pregnancy. 

Blood test results came back, and the concerned doctor wanted to be double sure and ordered for an ultrasound scan to see if they can find the foetus. Still nothing can be seen. The A&E doctor wanted me to return in 2 days time to assertain the pregnancy, but 3 days later I will be meeting Dr Han. Thus, I can just see Dr Han on Tuesday itself for his further examination. 

Anxious for my first gynae visit with KL, and even more anxious for Dr Han to confirm my pregnancy is normal and stable..

The ultimatum as mentioned, my post childbirth state in 2009!!