Those sick-ening days..

What do you get with a sick caregiver, and an equally sick and whinny baby? A super distressed single mum, who's about to lose her mind any minute now!!!

Rianne has had a cough for the longest time ever. We brought her thrice to the doctor, 2 different doctors in fact. I actually wanted to send Rianne to the hospital directly, but my mum was influencing me with tales of the heart-wrecking treatment methods the hospital was likely to administer.

The last time Rianne had a high fever, we went through the same process of consulting several GPs; and fed her with so many types of medicine; but eventually the hospital's treatment worked.

It was very painful watching the unwell Rianne in misery. She would cough and cough, get so breathless and her phlegm would never be able to come out from her little throat. Annie Mummy would pat continuously on Rianne's chest when she starts coughing, and she would even turn her upside down so that her phlegm would fall out easier. However, all these were the largest discomfort to Rianne, and she would be wailing her guts out instead of getting the phlegm out.

Being the only well person among us means that I am supposed physically stronger, and able to carry out more duties, like fetching Rianne's medicine & syringe, getting ready the vomit bucket in case Rianne threw up. No one truly understand how stressful it was for me, helplessly watching my daughter in pain..

Things got worse when I have to fulfill my job responsibility at the same time. I wasn't able to be at home for both Rianne & my mum, and that sucks! I hated myself for being an useless mum, one who can't even give up work for my child. I knew that if something were to happen to Rianne, I would never forgive myself.

With my work (payroll processing) finally done, I took a few days leave to care for the most important people in my life - my mum & Rianne.

Baby steps

~Rianne's walking diary~

Feb 2010, at the hospital for the bi-annually checkup with the genetic specialist -
Dr Lai was the least impressed by Rianne's slow motor skills development when she found out Rianne has not even stood up for the very first time. Her comment was that she will have to refer Rianne to a therapist if she have not started walking by 18 months old.

Days before 16 Feb 2010,
We were trying some of the clothes on Rianne which Aunty Pooja had bought for her birthday. We made her stand up while checking herself through the dressing table mirror in my bedroom. She barely stood for a few minutes and her knees weakened..

End Feb to first week of March 2010,
Rianne's been standing everyday after her baths, when Granny finished dressing her. She would stand still, put her hands together and giggled smugly at her reflection from the mirror.

2nd week of March 2010,
My brother's friend got Rianne a toy ride, and she was so into it all day and night! She would keep bugging us to put her on the ride, and when she's on it, she'l hit the button where the sound of a train would come "toot, toot, toot.." Started to move herself all over the floor, by swaying her bottom left to right, right to left on the floor.

Week of 13 March 2010,
Rianne's baby cousin, Joelle came over to stay with her mummy as my brother-in-law was away on a business trip for 2 weeks. Both babies were fighting over everything, toys, attention and competing to stand. With my mum supporting her arms, Rianne was taking small steps in the living room.

3rd week of March 2010,
Rianne could now walk with someone supporting her arms, from the bedroom entrance to the living room! She was particularly happy to walk when I stood at a distance from her, and urged her to come to me. She would giggle and walk at the same time; especially when she knows that all eyes are on her at the shopping mall. Walking was like a breeze for Rianne in all the comfy shoes she own.

26 March 2010, at Kidz World in the Zoological Gardens - Rianne was just like all the other kids, playing at the water playground. She stood in the water and enjoyed having her feet soaked! The highlight came when she went down a slide gushing with water, FUN!

31 March 2010 and onwards, anticipating the day when we no longer need to hold Rianne's arms and she would walk like a big kid!! Till then, ciao!!

Reflections

My mum always say Rianne takes after my bad temper. I thought , "hell'ya, you're right!"

It is not surprising if you see a mini-you in the form of your kids, as we adults tend to be most at ease and many a times let ourselves loose in front of the people we are closest with; and these small guys tend to pick up things in less than a finger snap!

I wonder if anyone remember the incident where a father actually bashed his biological daughter to death when the little girl picked up his cigarettes and put that into her mouth. Tell me, isn't that an impersonation of what she see everyday? And from someone of that seniority and familiarity, it only made sense to the 2 year old toddler that "if daddy is doing that, then there is nothing wrong with me following his actions."

Out of late, I see many parents smoking in front of their little ones without the least consideration about the harmful effects the 2nd-hand smoke could bring to their children, let alone be conscious about how their offspring could actually pick up this unhealthy habit from them. Now, I am certain that the generation of smokers would go on and on, regardless of how agressive the smoking bans are with irresponsible parents.

I saw this Muslim family of 5 kids, all boys if I remember correctly, with their parents at the market on a Sunday morning. The father and mother were gakking to each other with their hands, they are earing impaired I so assume. It immediately struck me as to how irresponsible the parents by having such a big family, when their disability could very likely deviate them from being able caregivers! That's not just it. The father were smoking while pushing the baby pram with 2 of the boys in it. I was totally disgusted.

I don't know how can anybody be so irresponsible, and bring misery to the innocent lives if you yourself have also been brought into this world by parents who spare no thoughts of the consequences of your existence. I am not afraid to admit that I harbour lots of guilt towards Rianne, as I had gave her a chance to live, but at the same time brought her misery with the genetic disease (NF 1) which she inherited from Papa D.

Rianne has the disease, and if her future husband also has NF; they are bound to pass down the disease to their children genetically. But if Rianne marry a 100% healthy guy, the chance of my future grandchildren having NF will be 50% instead. This means that the children Rianne were to bear, will have a likelihood of being like their mummy, getting a genetic disorder without a choice.

Whose fault is that? Whose responsiblity is that to prevent such a tragedy from happening? The adults.. the so-called parents.. the man & woman whose actions were led by their bodies, and not by the brains.

Shame on them, shame on me.. :(

Rianne turns 1!

I felt so guilty for only planning Rianne's birthday celebration a few weeks before. It was my princess's first birthday, and I was ever so swamped with work!!

Initially I was rather hesitant about getting a chalet and holding the celebration there. Rianne's birthday was on the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year this year, and that means the chalet rates are going to be sky high. The cheapest available were charging per night $288!!

I reckon it is silly to spend a bomb on some place to hold a birthday celebration for a tiny toddler, whom I'm pretty damn sure will not remember a single thing post the party. Well, maybe take lots of pictures and show them to Rianne when she's a tad older; and try to imprint the impression of a fantastic 1st birthday she had into her mind.

Hopefully these will do the job..






Special thanks to my dearest family, who helped make this birthday party possible! And not forgetting my kind friends for their presence and generous gifts to baby Rianne..

Happy Birthday Rianne darling!!
Love, Mummy..

Exams.. Finally over!!

Extremely glad that they are finally over! However, am quite certain I would have attained a supplementary paper in one of the modules - Productivity Management.

Not sure if it's just me, or everyone else in the class who hated this module. The lecturer wasn't too great to begin with, although he is a Doctor. Sure, every lecturer has his/her own style of teaching; but unfortunately his methods don't work for our class. The one thing Dr Lim said that was imprinted deeply into my mind is, "You can sacrifice sleep for now, and sleep next time coz you will then be able to sleep for good and never wake up."

Honestly, which working adult who attends part-time courses, doesn't sleep very little hours? For myself, with Rianne around, my sleep is so much more compromised as I have to ensure that Rianne goes to bed before I can take my rest. This can sometimes be as late as past midnight, if Rianne is too hyped up and refuse to sleep.

Anyway, I am almost completing my studies. One more module to retake (I dropped it during my final trimester in my pregnancy), the MAP project and the supplementary paper (hopefully paper, and not papers). Would love to take it further with an advanced diploma program or degree. But not so soon..

Sympathy.. Do you deserve it?

I really hate to sound like a heartless, vicious and unsympathetic bitch.. but think about it, if I am not as strong as I am today, my whole family would have starved to death, and I probably would have killed my offspring even before I could give birth to it..

I must re-emphasize this - I have never regretted giving birth to my daughter, whom most of you would agree with me, is a hard-not-to-dote darling. I have also never felt unwilling to become a single mother, and have a complicated marital status.

All these purely because I am a strong individual, who was brought up to survive in hardships; and stand up to lead the pack. In fact, at the age of 10, I was already taking care of my two younger siblings whilst being a kid myself who needs to be cared for too. I had to teach, feed and stay united with my little sister and baby brother, because our parents were undergoing a divorce and they both hated to be around each other.

Maybe because of my childhood, I always detest weaklings who fall weak to their knees at any tiny setback. I am a girl, and if I can take any 'wave' that comes hitting me; I expect a guy to be able to face the music too, or not, do it even better than me.

It is obvious to anyone, boy or girl, that childbirth is probably the most noble thing a woman would do for another living thing. For some, childbirth brings the most excruciating pain they have ever experienced, and for some unfortunate others, it may turned to be the most trumatising, and devasting chapter of their life.

I did not have an easy pregnancy, and it even became life-threatening at the last stage! I was lucky to have pulled through, and my baby was born prematurely and needed to be kept at the Special Care Nursery for a whole week after birth. This was hard for a postnatal mother, to be separated from her newborn that soon. And did I mention costs? Imagine the kind of hospital costs a single mother has to bear without any financial assistance from anybody; not even from the father of the child.

The purpose of me saying these now, isn't claiming credit for what I have done. It is what I am supposed to do, and doing it with whatever means it needs me to. I cannot picture what would happen to a baby if the parent has not got the capacity to provide for it, but yet choose to bring him/her into this world. Many young people, I believe are guilty of it..

You may be terribly ill or totally unfit to work, but life still goes on for everyone around you. If you have a baby, you would have to feed him/her regardless of the kind of situation the adults are in. They get hungry, sleepy and wet themselves, just like how they would every other day. It applies even to the sick person. Being sick doesn't make you less dependent on food and the basic necessities. Maybe you might use less of makeup and fashion items; but, you would still need to get on with each day of your life. And doing that, it means you need to have money.

For the adults, it's easier to scrimp on stuff and probably eat simple so as to reduce costs. However, for a growing baby who needs to be fed and changed, just about as soon as we started talking and finished, expenses are incurred like a flash.

It has been tough for me, really hard to bring up Rianne all by myself. And with Rianne's daddy denying that he have never said he wouldn't take care of us, doesn't make it any easier. What is practical to me, is the financial support. Taking care of a baby isn't feeding him/her any piece of food that you can find off the garage bin, or leaving the baby to starve for days and maybe he/she will forget they are hungry. It is money, the monetary capacity to provide for it..

A for APPLE

Guess what?! Rianne spoke her first word 2 days back!! Yes, Rianne, my princess Rianne! =)

There's this alphabet poster in my room, which was on the wall in my room months back. Since then, my mum & I have been reading the A-Z to Rianne everyday. Until whenever she hear us sing the alphabet song, Rianne will automatically look at the poster.

It didn't occur to me that she will hold a strong memory of any word, especially when the words are more than 3 letters long. So, when Rianne said 'APPLE' in front of me; I was stunned.. in a good way! Who wouldn't?!

At first, I thought the word came out coincidentally; and was not expecting to hear it for a 2nd time. But there was more to come.. Rianne practically said 'APPLE' everytime she tries to talk! I'm surprised the pronounication of the word was quite accurate, for a 10 month old infant; that is way too brilliant!

My mum thinks that the credit goes to us always showing Rianne the fruit at the supermarket, and telling her it's an apple. She even knows to sniff at it the minute we placed the fruit in front of her nose. So far, Rianne has smelled an apple, an orange, a grapefruit, a mango, a lemon, and even a dragonfruit before. This girl will be good in the fruits section when she grows up!

Rianne now also recognizes words of objects in the house, like our X'mas tree in the living room, her bathing toys (the duckie and the alligator), and us. She will look around for those items when we say them. We are trying to teach her to point at them, which is probably harder as Rianne hate people pulling her hands.

Well, I hope to be able to video her saying 'APPLE', but most of the time; she caught me off guard. So, pls watch out for the possible video of my little girl saying her first word - APPLE. =)