Funny that. You would think being Rianne's father would "akin" to "kinship" as you could possibly get...
Can someone please interpret the above sentence and tell me it ain't what I thought it's supposed to mean? Am I misunderstanding Papa D? Honestly, I don't think so.
Blood is boiling inside of me, as my fingers hit so harshly onto the keyboard. Here I am being confined (Synonym : trapped in/restrained) at home, hot and filthy, thirsty (for H2O), dealing with Rianne's mood swings, and deprived of the simplest things in life. Not seeking for sympathy, or even asking anything from Papa D, I try my very best to bring up Rianne with a decent monthly income and lots of love. Yes, I understand that he is not well; but that doesn't warrant for sarcasm like this.
Right from the start, I have never disapproved Papa D of his fatherly desires; nor have I deprived him of fulfilling his duties as a dad. The only obstacle hindering him from doing all these, doesn't come from me, but the physical distance apart. I know Papa D has always wanted Rianne to be born in the UK, thus narrowing the gap between them to zero. However, I am not a British citizen, so how can I give birth in UK? Even if I can, Rianne will then become a Brit at birth, and how is she going to come back to Singapore for her future development? Maybe she don't have to come back? Hah, is this exactly Papa D's intention?
Growing up in UK is not so bad an idea, provided the parents are well-off enough to feed and give the best to the baby. OK, let's put it realistically, maybe just the standard living, healthcare, education and caregiver. How much does all these cost in pounds? To date, Rianne has used 220 pieces of diaper, 100 pieces of nappy liner, and 240 sheets of baby wipes. She has been to the polyclinic 4 times, and had 2 vaccinations. As for Mama R, she had consumed 14 bottles of Chicken of Essence, 2 tins of Milo, used 72 pairs of disposable breast pads, and countless number of sanitary pads..
This is just a run-down of consumables which cost money, money and money.. I get cold feet just thinking of the other expenses like bedding needs, clothes, toys, furniture, and the killer, healthcare. Many parents would say, it doesn't take tons of dollars to raise a child; but you CANNOT not have money. More true than anything..
2 comments:
If you really want an explanation to my comment...I am only too happy to oblige.
You really seem to make out you are so deprived by the so-called confinement that seems to be ruining your life. Why do you 'have' to go through confinement? Its your choice whether to go through it or not, its not the end of the world if you choose not to do that. I mean what eould happen to the world if you did not go through 'confinement' Would it just implode and we all face impending doom? I really think not. You are a grown adult, capable of making your own choices, there is nothing stopping you going out and enjoying life whether you believe in 'confinement' or not. If you really want to know about 'confinement', try being caged into a bed everyday, taking in intensive radiotherapy, having your hair fall out, seeing the weight drop off you until you are skin and bones as you have no appetite knowing that this care is to prolong my life...not to save it. Even if I am fortunate to beat this, I will need months if not years of rehabilitation and a huge possibility that I will never be able to have children again. Can you imagine how that must feel? Not only that but the money you say is not a factor in your life but are always so willing to bring up is yet another way to seemingly make me out like I am a bad person and a no-good father.
I have been nothing but honest and frank about my situation...even way back in August when I needed your support and understanding...the only thing I found was you turning your back. To tell you about my suspected illness (which turned out to be correct), when I really needed you most in my life, you had turned your back on me and had treated me like I was nothing. Never once have you ever supported me through this or made me feel that there was something worth fighting this torrid disease for. Is this how you really think I want things to be? I go through every day wondering what 'our' daughter's life will be like without me there to give her the necessary love and attention that I believe she deserves from, not only her mother and father, but as a stable family unit, something that would make the both of us so proud. Do you think I really do not want to provide for our daughter? I have wanted nothing more than to provide for our daughter but the saving for the possible outcome of my prognosis which I did tell you may well be the possibility, has cost me very dearly. I have already lost £4800 in earnings as it is and goodness knows how much else it will cost me let alone having to set aside finances for my own funeral (considering my terminal prognosis). Couple that with the fact that it is extremely difficult to insure a terminally ill person ( I am looking at £2400 in travel insurance alone), can you imagine the cost I am facing at being able to see my daughter perhaps for the only time in my life. Its really sad to say, but at least she will profit in my death though I really cannot help but think she would have been better off in my life.
But then...what would it matter if I was dead or alive? It seems evidently clear that I was a dead person to you back in August, despite the pain I felt at you having to go through the trauma of a threatened miscarriage, the worry I had that possibly you and Rianne's life was on the line was quite unbearable. Even in February, when you contacted me looking for answers about what to do...I wanted you and Rianne to be safe, I couldn't imagine how bad it would be if our daughter had neither of her parents to care for her. You asked me for my faith in you and that you would do all you could to make our princess the person she should be. But then, I think back, at that lost faith you showed me. How can you ask me for my faith in you when your faith in me was lost so long ago. Never have you encouraged me once to fight this, never once have you asked me to brave this in the hope that our daughter may get the father I feel she deserves. I can quite categorically say I would never had turned my back on you like that. I am really so sorry I am as ill as I am, but right at that time when I felt i really needed you understanding, your main interest was your luggage and a silly proforma invoice. You didn't even try to interest yourself when I was trying to reach out to you, instead perhaps making out I was just imagining it and ducking out of trying to come to Singapore. There is nothing more I have wanted but to make a new life there, you fully well know that I never intended for my future offspring to be educated here in the UK, so your comments about me wanting you to stay here is completely untrue, like I always had said it would have been for a couple of years at most...it really does nor matter to me at all about Rianne's citizenship...as long as she grows up morally correct and she is aware of her heritage...British or Singaporean...its not a matter at all.
Perhaps the worst significant factor is this. Despite everything that has happened, I still love you so very much. You need not worry...I am very much aware of your ill feelings towards me, but it is very true. Yes, I love you and yes, I am happy to go to my final resting place and say that it is you that I love and cherish so dearly. If only you really could see despite my afflictions, it is you I really wish I could have lived my life's end with...perhaps with you and our daughter by my side as I draw my final breath...that to me would have been my personal piece of heaven, but alas, some things in life are just not meant to be. I really hope you can live happy and perhaps give your all to our princess, it pains me so much I will never see this happen, so I am absolutely counting on you to make her a really special person.
Well thats enough for now I cant promise I will ever be able to see Rianne in the flesh, but make sure she knows that I love her every day and for the record...I love you too, more than life itself...be good.
Daniel
I shall address all your concerns, and hopefully end this senseless arguementation once and for all..
1) Confinement - although it isn't compulsary, it is a method of recuperation said to either 'make or break' the health of post-birth mother. And yes, I chose to go through it coz I don't want to suffer the many post-natal ailments for the rest of my life. Your comment about confinement bringing about doom is just plain childish.
2) Your medical treatments has of course its benefits (in your own words, prolong your life), and side effects; afterall it's radiotherapy & chemo. I am more than aware of these.
3) Finances is my one big concern, when the household is now one income lesser, and short of one person(my brother) to help out. Everything I said about money is reality, and if that would make you a bad person; I am only sorry.
4) As a friend there's only so much I can encourage about your condition, and seeing so many of your friends giving you all their support and encouragement; I believe that's good enough for you. It is ridiculous to say that I'd turned my back against you, when I have never made you any lifetime promises.
5) I'm sure you will have your family to assist you with your financial woes, and that is precisely why I have never ask you for money for Rianne. That, to me is being understanding. I can't imagine if it was me losing my source of income, who will then provide for Rianne?
6) There's also the possiblity of you travelling without insurance if you so put it that this might be your only chance to see Rianne.I hope you are not suggesting that I bring Rianne over to see you instead. She will make it over to visit her paternal family members only when she's older, and this, I give you my word.
7) I am in no position to say whether it matters if you are dead or alive, only the people who give you your life has the rights. It is also to them, which your existence matters most.
8) I assured you that I would be the best mother I can be, and that is nothing related to you giving me faith. I don't need faith from you, as you don't owe me anything and neither are we romantically linked.
9) It does matter if Rianne's a British and her mother's a Singaporean. It will mean both of us will be separated as soon as my social visit period is over. Also, you are not familiar with how citizenship here works. There are lots of protocol(and costs involved), and Rianne will be deprived of many local privileges if she isn't a Sinagporean.
10) I appreciate your feelings for me, but I am sorry I can't reciprocate with the same sentiments.
11) I am sorry if you really cannot see Rianne in person. You can grouse about it, but please don't blame me for that.
Lastly, I may be unable to go on MSN with you due to time clashes with Rianne's feeding & naps. Thus, I will try my best to video Rianne and you can see her in motion whenever you want. That's the best I can do,as caring for her alone at this time is very tiring and stressful. I hope you can understand.
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