Huge efforts!

Somehow I am always learning things through the hard way, and that I reckon this is God's personalised way of beefing me up. To train me to be a stronger and better individual? I hope it is, coz I am very much still fragile on the inside, and has never stopped acting tough on the outside..

The two very important things in my life, now seem to be the ones that get me down on my knees, and forcing me into a state of begging for mercy. They mean so much to me, that at any one point, I know I would definitely become insane if I were to lose either one of them. It may sound silly and ridiculous as you wonder, how can something of such importance be the same thing to break me down, and leave me feeling helpless and clueless?!

Yes, they very much do.. especially when these 2 things do not gel together, or in fact, are conflicting against each other. I am talking about my relationship with 'K' (aka Mr Pig), and my family. It has been like a rollercoaster ride being in love with someone of a different cultural background, strong traditional beliefs and regard of himself with high integrity. My status as a single mum, just didn't work to my advantage, which I am already quite certain there are no advantages leading to it.

K is not despising me for the mistakes I have made in the past, but it is affecting him in many ways, and that makes me miserable. There is nothing I can do now to reverse the past, and change my initial decision about being a single mum. The fact of me having a child from my previous relationship, is creating lots of discomfort to him as he would never be able to recognize me in front of his family and friends from back home. Although he is also mad at himself for not being able to do that, he has no choice..

The second important thing is kinship, which I would never be able to let go and sacrifice. I am ashamed to say that I have been compromising on the time I have with my family especially Rianne, since the start of my relationship with K. I don't know if anyone of you is starting to feel disgusted or intending to throw stones at me now, but this is really not what I want to do in the current situation..

I am lucky to have my mum looking after Rianne when I am out working my a*#. However, I would appreciate greatly if she is a little more tolerant and understanding towards what I am 'balancing' right now - time between K and them.

There isn't a lot of time I can allocate to either party, practically only the weekends. If my mum is not able to compromise and agree that I need time for my relationship to grow and nuture, it will be just too hard for me. I am not indicating that Rianne will not need my time with her, but it is just that she is still young, and she would probably not need so much of my attention (she will be contented as long as she has her grandma with her!). I even think that it doesn't make a difference to her if she don't see me for a night or two, coz this is exactly what happens on nights when I have class or have to work late. Rianne would not see me for a few days, and she will not be yearning for me like how much she yearns for her grandma.

The story of both sides can go on and go.. but ultimately, I will need to come up with a solution that pleases them both. All I want is my happiness, and that they will also be happy in my pursuit of happyness..

Still here..

My dear readers and fans (if there are any, heehee!!), I know I have been inactive for a while.. I don't blame you if you may even suspect if this blog is going to die away like some others you have encountered, usually due to lack of contents, or probably the blogger has grown out of blogging.

No, I assure you this is not happening. I admit that I have recently slacked a little in my blogging, but trust me, you would definitely be magnanimous towards me when you know my story.

Before I get started on all those sobbery and misery (is it really so heart-wrenching? hahahaha..), I would like to take this chance to thank the people, my bestest chums actually, for being here for me and showing me concern when I most needed it. Of course, I needed more than just concern; but my friends offering their listening ears amidst their busy schedules, really meant a lot to me. I can never get this from anyone else except the 4 of them..

Thank you, J, Z, E, & X. Without you girls, I would never be able to make it so far..

Going the distance...

Nah, i'm not talking about the movie starring Drew Barrymore & Justin Long.. though it is for sure that I will be watching it. It is a new long-distance relationship that I just known of, from my friend.

To be honest, I ain't even sure now whether all the social networking sites, chatrooms, or online dating sites are being used morally, and for the right purposes. Are they actually the culprits of many heart-broken souls who may just take the failure too hard, and put a foolish end to their lives??

I speak from my experience.. I know Rianne's daddy from Facebook, a complete stranger who found my profile to be interesting and wants to know me better. Me, being the curious and friendly one, started our regular conversations from messaging on Facebook to chatting on MSN, and then to SYKPE. Everyday, we were progressing to a different level. We became more emotionally attached, and soon we were dying to meet each other in person.

Can you even believe I was the one who initiated my going over to the UK to see him? Yes, I must have been very bold and a little out of my mind. But honestly, it was a little "head-over-heels" in love with him at that time; so it didn't appear to be such a bad idea to go meet the guy I was chatting for 6 months.. What happen next, you guys already know.

Back to my friend, I wish I could tell her that this will be the biggest risk she is going to take. She must be prepared that anything could happen, and that there is no turning back if anything were to go wrong. So, good luck to her in the States, and I am praying hard for her that her long-distance love will turn out to be just how she had pictured him to be..

Piggie's Love

Well, a love story always starts with the nicest things and notions you ever hear about two persons doing in the name of LOVE. Sweet nothings, and touching gestures are simply like part and parcel of the whole relationship, which you (maybe in sub-concisiousness) would hope and pray that these will never stop and that you/the other party will stay in love with each other for as long as you can...

My story is off with a good start, as me & Mr Pig head away from our usual busy schedule to close the mileage gap we have in Singapore, to a not-so-faraway island called Batam.

Mr Pig known for his early sleeping habits and healthy eating lifestyle, was a complete different person who stayed up watching TV with me into the wee hours, had ice-cream, snacks and even supper during the trip! Although he can be sometimes quite domineering, he did gave in to me when he knows fulfilling my wishes would only make me happy.

It is not hard to show concern to anyone, but genuinely coming from the heart is something that can only be felt by the person being cared for.. I caught a cold on the 2nd day, and I was then forbidden the aircon, cold drinks, swimming, and even working out at the gym! It was the first time I felt Mr Pig's intense care towards me when he bought medication for my cough and cold, made hot beverages for me, and even blew-dry my hair after I had my shower. To be honest, I was touched by what he did.

I reckon the enjoyment we got out from this trip was very much due to the fact that Mr Pig & me were simply comfortable in our own skin around each other. We shared jokes, stories, life experiences, habits & flaws, which are probably the last thing you would ever let someone you like, know. But none of these changed how we feel, and I think it had even fostered our relationship more as I am no longer mad when he goes to the gym every alternate day and sleep at 11pm! Hahahaha..

Fated to be loved?

Does everyone agree that Fate and Love goes hand in hand? Forget that it may sound a little corny, but seriously isn't both of them a catalyst, and a driving force for each other to happen?

To be frank, I am not sure why am I saying all these now. Maybe I am just a poor soul who hasn't got any luck with Fate nor Love, and so when suddenly they come knocking on my door; I get myself into a whirlpool of confusion..

I am pretty sure it was Fate that brought me and him together, to be aquainted. He wasn't even the person who walked and talked to me first. Neither was he the first person in the group who asked me for my number. But somehow, we both connected to each other that night.

Can you imagine how sucky it feels to not be able to go out with the one person you really wish to be with? That was exactly what happened after Fate. I felt unlucky again for the longest time, until Fate threw us another chance.

I had to go to Bali for a team conference, and although I didn't get the most of what Fate could have brought me; I am still thankful. It was only through this trip that I felt Fate has been a little kinder to me now, by creating the absence between me and him so that I realise the meaning of "absence makes the heart grows fonder".

So, where exactly is Fate bringing us to now? I don't know, and I don't wish to know.. :) It feels so amazing, and I am confident that it doesn't only happen in my little organ called heart.

ER

Seriously, I would even stay up to watch my fave TV series, ER, if it is only showing at 2am every night. Don't know if you remember the popular series in the mid 90s, with the set in a hospital emergency room. Maybe you might remember the drool-worthy Dr Doug Ross, played by George Clooney? Or the delicious Croatian Goran Visnjic, as Dr Luka Kovac? ;p

If all the above doesn't ring a bell to you, then you are probably someone like me who truly enjoyed the emotional rollercoaster ride the story plot brings with every episode. From exciting to mundane, and joyous to heart-rending. Every tale, every patient in the emergency room, will often without you realising, bring you into the story and get you so emotional. I am not even bragging, but it can definitely get the toughest person weeping like a baby..

Let me give you an example, in one episode, there was a couple who were travelling in Chicago before the wife could not travel anymore, as she was going to be in her third trimester soon. But who knows, the flight & travelling actually cost her baby's life. Her baby at gastational age of 24 weeks were forced to be delivered, and the poor soul only lived for 9hrs before passing away. During the short time of his life, the parents stayed with him throughout. Took pictures, named him and even had him baptized in the presence of a priest. How saddening isn't it.. I was sobbing the whole time in the 1 hour episode!!

Well, I think the best way for me to get back my sleep (now ER shows at 1am, Mondays to Thursdays) is probably to get the dvds and catch the series at my most convenient time. Will go hunt down the complete Season 7, and maybe if I can get them cheap, the other Seasons as well.. can never get enough of them.. heeheehee!!

VS & Modelling

A lady who was behind us on the travellator yesterday, suggested that we should bring Rianne to participate in a baby contest that's happening in June.

Although I would occasionally dream of being a superstar mum, I hardly think that Rianne is a high potential in baby competitions.. maybe due to the lack of skillsets, especially motor skills which I deem would be the top judging criteria. Therefore, I thought why don't I look at other areas which Rianne may be good in, and perhaps groom her in that direction?

Without a doubt, Rianne has got the looks at a tender age. After viewing some amazing pictures of her cousin, Molly, on Facebook, I was so inspired to have Rianne's beauty captured on fillm too. I went surfing the net for professional baby photographers, and many of them have done some really great work.. however those were at really high cost as well.

Finally, this one photographer caught my eye with her "oh-so-adorable" baby pictures and to my surprise, her charges ain't expensive at all! (All you mamas should check out the site : http://www.helenbabyphoto.com/) Needless to say, Rianne was very soon booked for her photography session on the coming Vesak Day holiday!

The location for the photoshoot was at the Grandeur 8 condo at Ang Mo Kio, home to photographer, Helen Chai & her family. We were greeted at the door with a warm Taiwanese welcome by Helen & her husband, and at that point, all the uncertainity and doubts that I once harboured, were almost non-existent at that very instant!

The photography package that I took up, meant to last for only 1 hour. But Helen was so loving her little model that the whole session ended almost 2 hours later! It felt a little like getting ready for a fashion runway show, as Rianne was practically changing clothes every 15 - 20 minutes! Me & Rianne's granny were having so much fun dressing her up, and our little angel was basking in the joy of posing for the camera! We, too had a taste of modelling with a few shots taken together with Rianne..

We were promised the photographs from the session 5 days later. But before they were sent to me, I was again dreaming of my pretty princess one day being on the runway.. as a Victoria's Secret model. Hah yes, Victoria's Secret.. ;p my baby girl, the angelic face with the bod that every girl would yearn to have, and be VS worthy! See the 2010 VS Runway Show here if you missed it on TV last week.