BP alert

Hello peeps! I'm taking the time on the train ride to my gynae appointment and do a quick post.

I have past 37 weeks now, and my baby will not be a pre-term birth if I were to go into delivery now. However, baby K don't seem ready to come out anytime soon; though physically I feel greatly strained and having signs of backache and even contraction pains (mild) at times. 

I am to closely monitor my blood pressure, every 2-4 hourly as instructed by my gynae to catch any abnormally high reading or a spike in the BP. This would be a sign of me having to go into induced delivery due to pre-eclampsia. Other signs would be the post effect of the high BP like a sudden black out or I faint, or worse go into fits. 

My gynae do not believe that I will go into labour naturally, like labour symptoms will hit me on its own. He don't think I will experience the contraction pains by interval, or feel my waterbag break to go into labour. That to me is sad, as I thought what better way to go into labour than experiencing the unexpected myself! I didn't get it during Rianne's birth (which was induced), so it would be nice if I get that once-in-a-lifetime encounter (yup, no more pregnancy for me after this) at this pregnancy. 

Well, quoting my gynae; he doesn't want to 'miss the boat'. Inducing birth is much preferred and safer for me, lest my condition takes a drastic turn for the worse. Although I kept saying "I'm not ready!", a part of me actually wish to go into labour and get it done and over with soon. Experiencing heartburn every single day is no fun. Walking and balancing my movements like Humpty Dumpty is the least graceful too. And carrying an extra weight of 10kg and more is no joking matter! 

Ok, I'l wait to hear from my gynae soon and update again. Wish me luck, all. 

Kena confined..

Didn't expect at this stage of my pregnancy, I am being confined. No going out at all, and purely resting at home. I do wish I can rest a 100%, but it is highly unlikely with my room short of being ready for the new baby..

I have cleared up space for the baby cot, but have yet got the suitable storage unit for the baby's clothes and essentials. Also, I'm thinking to pack my things (mainly clothes) already for the impending move to our new house. 

The progress is slow, as I really, really have quite a number of stuff; either to throw or to keep. It's almost as good as the same amount of stuff discarded, I will be keeping an equal amount of stuff that is wanted. God, please bless me with the perserverance and strength to continue, and complete soon the packing. 

On the other side of the world, I went for my gynae checkup today and Dr Wee wasn't exactly pleased with my blood pressure records. 

He pointed out that there had been some extreme spikes, and also the irregular taking of the blood pressure which is concerning. As such, he had ordered another 'uric acid' marker test (marker for pre-eclampsia) to see if I have gone over my previous reading after 2 weeks, and strictly confined me to home/bed rest until he sees me in another 1 week's time. 

The blood taking (for the uric acid) was the worst today as I experienced the most painful jab after so many times of syringe poking during my 8+ months of pregnancy. I attached a picture so that you can understand the pain I was in while blood was drawn from me. 

Similarly, I had another jab which is just as painful when the needle goes into my butt cheek. This was my vaccine for the whopping cough. When all the jabs were finally done, I heaved a great sign of relief and hope I won't have to go under the needle somemore. 

Prepping up

I can still remember vividly of 7 years ago, at this time, I was already in hospital and induced to deliver Rianne due to pre-eclampsia. My organs (liver first and then kidney) were slowly being affected by the condition, and will eventually become life threatening should I allow Rianne to stay any longer in my stomach. 

This pregnancy I wasn't exactly spared of pre-eclampsia; but I am counting my blessings that I do not have to deliver my baby pre-maturely at 35 weeks! My gynae is hopeful for me to hold on for another week, til gestation of 36 weeks. But, I pray every night that my son will remain in his best condition (healthy and growing) until my EDD; or even until our National Day on 9 Aug 2016!

As the day draws closer, I am more and more excited and panicky of the childbirth. For a start, I am getting ready the list of things to go into my hospital bag. I find the items provided on this site really useful - http://www.parents.com/pregnancy/giving-birth/preparing-for-labor/hospital-packing-list/

I reckon the key item to prepare for my labour would be essentially the stuff that can keep my contraction pain at bay and tide me through the entire labour. I am not sure if the presence of KL will make a significant difference as compared to my mom's during my labour with Rianne. However, I am really having lots of expectation that he will be handy, comforting and most importantly, my pillar of strength and a 'human' pain relief. If he's gonnna be there physically, but engrossed in keeping himself occupied during the labour, then it is as good as me being there alone. 

I'm just gonna list the hit list of items I find especially beneficial for me (at least) :

- essential oils/massage oil/lotion (my mom used medicated oil the last time to rub my aching back, not the best aroma for a pregnant woman I have to say!). There have been a specific scent which calms and relaxes me, which is Peppermint or Eucalyptus. 

- speakers to play song list from Spotify (best source of relaxation if your husband hasn't got the best consolation skills!) 

- notes from antenatal class for husband to read and advise the right breathing techniques (you are as good as blind when in pain!)

- coloring book/storybook, in case need to wait a while to be fully dilated

- mobile phone or ipad, for a movie in case of the above same reason too. This reminds me to have more movies downloaded soon.

I guess the above should suffice on top of the essential items. 

My point of view is, my wellness (both physical and mental) is of utmost importance at the time of delivery. Afterall, I will be living under the restrictions of 'confinement' immediately after giving birth, so I better make use of the little luxury I am allowed. 

8 months and almost there..

OMG! How time flies.. I cannot believe that I'm already in that final trimester and I'm only 1-2 months away to bringing a new life into this world! But sorry to say that, this new little life has not got a name yet.. yes, you heard me right; not got a name yet. 

KL was so against the name 'Kashton', and me so not liking the name 'Rowan'. Not with the intention of offending anybody named 'Rowan', it's just me who finds the name a little less masculine than other boy names. For me, a boy should be 'macho', be it in his appearance or his behaviour. He should be the one who does not falter when faced with difficulties/hardship. He ought to fight like a soldier when in the army, behaves like a gentleman around the ladies and most importantly, possess the physical ability to do most simple labour-driven tasks like assembling or moving furniture, opening a tightly-closed jar, etc. I cannot bear to look at a man who struggles with bags of grocery where his wife handles them with much ease. 

There's no reason why a man cannot be physically stronger, even Biology says men tend to be stronger than women, physically. But, it is not uncommon for some men to be weaklings though. I think it is only understandable for some men to be like this if they have a medical condition. But, not forgivable when they choose to be weak because they are plain lazy. 

It's the baby naming that got me talking like a sexist, and to be honest, I am just pissed that we are getting nowhere with baby K's name. As much as I want to give the benefit of doubt to KL, I know that I am not wrong about him and that he has not putting in efforts to anything related to my pregnancy or to baby K. 

It is frustrating, no doubt. Many people has advised me to give up on my expectations in order to feel less disappointed. However, for me, if my husband is not expected to perform simple-expected duties of a man, husband and daddy, then what good is he to me?! I jolly well can do without him right?

I can assure you that I am not suffering from any pre-childbirth anxiety or depression. It is just disappointment speaking up now, and it will only be a matter of time that I refuse to be disappointed.. anymore.

Stress-less, not possible??

Thought the minute I am officially on Hospitalization Leave, my shoulders will drop and relax like never before.. but it was nothing like this. In fact, I was so stressed that I could feel my back and shoulders so tensed, that I want to hammer myself hard at those ache spots!!

Thinking of how I need to handover my work and complete some outstanding tasks assigned to me, kept me awake til this time. I really couldn't be a 100% off work until everything has been briefed/handed over/imparted. That is quite pathetic, but I have been too responsible and I need to draw a line soon. 

My heartburn's getting bad to worse recently, and it is unlike my first pregnancy where it typically happens only  at night; this time my heartburn is anytime.. I can be in the midst of something or nothing, and the surge of acidic gas will gush up to my chest and cause all the discomfort. Sometimes I wonder if my poor appetite is partly due to the heartburn. 

Honestly speaking, being pregnant is extremely demanding on the physical aspects as well as emotionally. I can hardly bend down without feeling uncomfortable with a strain on my uterus,  and also walking, carrying things without feeling breathless. 

Emotionally, I am challenged every day trying to cope with my emotions when I encounter stress, unhappiness, or anger. I'd lost it so many times that I felt disgusted by myself, eventhough I know its the pregnancy hormones making me such an a^*hole! I also at times grumbled about being burdened by this pregnancy, and was hoping that I wasn't pregnant at all. Of course, these are just angry thoughts and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be pregnant. 

However, one obvious thing is throughout my entire pregnancy, I don't feel supported enough by KL. To him, I'm probably just a pregnant wife who is very much capable of doing things herself and that basically, there is not much for a husband to help out with. Any woman who's been pregnant before can tell you how wrong this is, and that you would be   such a jerk if you can sit and do nothing for your expecting wife! 

Jerk or not, I leave it to him. His world will change once he witness the birth of his child, and to see for himself the pain and hardship I'l be enduring during the labour. 

Trimester 3 approaching!!

Ok, i admit. I'm not very regular in posting on my blog about my pregnancy, but the fact is; I'm not even very in touch with how far along I am in my pregnancy! 

Did a count and realised I am now 27 weeks along and next week when I hit my 28th week, I will be entering the final leg - the third trimester!! Arghhhhhhh.. (Yes, this is a yelp of fright and not excitement!)

I cannot say enough how unprepared I am in this pregnancy, and I don't have anyone to blame but myself actually. Paying all my attention and focus on Rianne instead of baby K has been my agenda from April onwards as the poor primary one girl has mid-year assessment and tests; and her equally poor mommy has to rush home every night to coach her in her daily homework and set aside time to revise for her assessment and spelling.. 

My very kind and careful gynae Dr Wee has instructed me to take adequate rest from my 24th week onwards, but I kinda ignored his good intentions since he was asking to place me on hospitalization leave from 24 weeks on til my delivery. I can't be on hospitalization leave due to work. I know this is ridiculous, but blame myself for being overly responsible to my job. I know that it will not be too much to ask when I decide to work from home from June til I deliver a month or so later!

Ok, i promise to give more updates as soon as I am more 'relaxed' in my work schedule! For now, just to let you peeps know; baby K is a little active boy who wriggles, kicks at every chance he has; and his strength is something not to be reckoned with!!!! Hahaha.. 

Baby stuff inventory

This is just gonna be a practical post where it will be serving as a checklist of baby essentials for me & KL. Time to check and get ready to spend some cash!!!

Baby bedding

- Crib/Cot : preferably a wooden crib for its sturdiness and easier to match any other furniture in our new place. CONS: Space consuming, hardly mobile so only location for it will be the baby's bedroom.

- Playpen : An alternative to the crib/cot, but is flimsy and can get damaged easily. Mobile and can keep easily. The previous one for Rianne in pink 'could' (haven't check) still be in good condition, but doubting it as it has been 7 years since. 

- Pillows/blankets/support around the sides of the baby's bed (be it crib or playpen) : We kept many pillows, bolsters and even a homemade beanie pillow from my past pregnancy. Some were probably used very minimally as Rianne didn't sleep in the playpen for very long, she loves snuggling in my bed with me! Expecting some blankets/wraps as baby gifts when I deliver.

Mattress : The one used by Rianne should still be around. Of course judgement is very much paramount to determine whether the mattress is fit for use after 7 years. 

Musical mobiles : These are the musical toy that you attach onto the baby's bed. Apart from the music, they are usually twirling/spinning as well which I believe is to stimulate the infant's responses to moving objects. Not sure how this will help induce sleep, that's why the one Rianne had was not a spinning one.

Mosquito net : Applicable and available still at this age and time??!! I say, definitely unnecessary!

Bath time items 

Bath tub : Get a new one for goodness sake!! Especially if you had a tub for your previous kids and you kept them for use in your laundry when the kids can no longer fit in them; like Rianne's tub.

Anti-slip mat (both inside the tub and on the area where the bath is happening) : Consequence of not having one is obviously serious, need I say more?!

Towels (include the soft towel for wiping the baby's face, and rubbing the gums. Oral hygience starts young!) : Fabric and cleanliness is of utmost importance! That's why new towels should be bought!

Toiletries and creams : Best bet to start your newborn with those non-fragant shower gels and shampoos with hypo-allergies components! You don't want to have to deal with baby rash in the early infant days! The 'real' baby rash will hit you outside of shower time, trust me. That said, it's always advisable to stand by nappy rash cream especially since breastfeeding causes very good bowel frequency and the stools are usually quite nasty; watery that is. Baby lotion - a must for that bonding time when massaging your little one after bath! 

Squeaky bath toys : Not much of a purpose at this time, and might even be hazardous since you need to be using both hands to hold the baby as well as bathing him at the same time. 

For the head/hair : I heard baby oil is good for 'naturing' a head full of nice black hair. But no harm with that 1 or 2 drops onto your baby's scalp. Soft hair brush also required, though the baby may not have lots of hair in the early babyhood.

Clothes, accessories

One-sies : This is probably the smartest invention in the baby fashion world where wearing and taking off is super easy! I reckon there can be no fixed number of how many onesies you should have for your newborn. As many as you like and get those with cute, humourous messages across the onesie!!

Diapers : The brand is the most sensitive topic here. I am not biased towards 'brand-less' sold at supermarkets, but I just want to be sure that whatever brand of diapers I put onto my baby do not induce some crazy bum rash or are super flimsy and fall off after holding just 1 pee! 

Soft cloth diapers : Most cost saving, but is that practical or not? The person washing will scream "Enough!" if your baby's peed or pooped after every feed for up to 10 times a day (Rianne's poop record when she was being breastfed!) 

Socks, booties, mittens, caps : I think there's a certain level of necessity for them, though it looks like you are plainly accessorizing your newborn with extra items on their little hands, feet and head. The little ones might scratch their face with their un-cut fingernails, unless you are daring enough to cut the nails of an infant! Soles get cold just like adults, and maybe easier than adults since they are used to the warmth inside their mommies for a good 9/10months! Similarly they never have their heads and scalp exposed to the cold/aircon, so keep it warm!

Swaddle cloth : They say keep the baby wrapped up as long as possible to keep them tame and less 'wriggly'! I think the baby anyway would appreciate the warmth, rather than exposing their bare skin to the cold.

A bean bag/pillow : Weirdly this item is often regarded as very important to have for all newborns! Made of shells of beansprouts or green beans, the pillow has to be rested against the baby's chest with his/her arms underneath it. This is so that the baby will not 'jerk' too much when he is frightened (eg, by sounds of the thunder). Maybe people often associate jerking with fits, and try means to minimize?

Lots of hankies : I remember this essential very vividly as Rianne was a baby who regurgitate her milk after almost every feed for the first few months of life. 

I guess we can only add the other required items as we go along and as needed, else this checklist may even develop into a storybook!! Hah!! :p

Confinement

Just by looking at the subject, you would know that we have not got our confinement plan finalized yet. Sigh, it is such a dilemma for us especially when KL and I are now staying apart.

Well, my primary concern is not so much on the confinement bit but more on caring for Rianne's needs during this period. Rianne's school needs can be quite demanding especially when she has homework, assessment, tests, and spelling very regularly. My mom can only care for Rianne's living needs, but not in terms of school/academic. 

Hence, one of us (be it KL or me) needs to be there for her on weeknights. This very much narrows down our confinement options, as we need to ensure whoever is responsible for Rianne needs to be at my place by 7.30pm every night. Sorry, but working overtime will not be possible for KL if he's the one. However, I have my doubts if he will be able to fulfill the requirements. 

If we are not hiring a confinement lady for 1 month and me not staying at KL's, I'l be around for Rianne every day. There will be no rushing to get to my place and my mom can just leave for her weekday activities whenever she need. Don't assume this is the best resolution as it is not. My mom, now with her fractured finger and legs not as agile as before, is not the best person to call upon for washing and cleaning up a baby. 

There will be tonnes of baby clothes to wash, not to mention the existing load for the rest of the family. This is my biggest concern actually, as I don't wish to aggravate her 'condition' any further. 

I can order confinement food which I believe is very prompt meal-time delivery, so that part on cooking can be settled quite easily. And luckily, that is not the most expensive item in my confinement! 

What should I do?? Hire a part-time domestic maid for 1 month? Subsequently someone will still need to wash those baby clothes, which I am hoping will not be me. Arghhhhhhhh.. 

This triggers me for another post on baby stuff inventory, stay tuned! 

So worrisome!!

If you have thought you would have conquered half of the pregnancy discomfort and woes by the time you are in your second trimester, let me tell you; you thought wrong! The battle with all those hated worries and discomfort only begins now..

With a past pregnancy that was full of complications, I knew it wouldn't be an easy pregnancy for me this time. When things are not easy, it also means it is not cheap. You are darn right, every extra test/assessment at my gynae's or an out-of-office-hours trip to the O&G clinic at KKH is a few extra hundred dollars incurred on top of my usual maternity expenses. You bet KL's face was all squealed and cramped up whenever he signs off the bills! Haha..

Just this Friday, I had probably the worst cramps ever in my pregnancy!! I was out and when both my feet had cramps, I screamed for help from my daughter who thought I was just pranking her on April Fool's! I basically had to drag my feet in order to move out of the shop to somewhere where I could sit down and squeal in pain until the cramps subside. 

At night, I wore compression stockings in order to prevent the recurrence of the really painful cramps. It didn't help and I yelled like a lunatic in a madhouse, only to get no response from the log (Rianne lah, who else!) who was so soundly asleep beside me! I realised I couldn't move my leg covered by the compression stockings, eventhough I had to pee!! It was scary as I had pee almost coming out, but also because I don't want to end up being crippled! With all these thoughts, I pushed myself up hard and dragged my entire body to the nearest bathroom in the room next to mine. 

It felt like I had just been in a nightmare and was immobilized in that entire duration! I freaked out as I don't know if there are any underlying medical conditions that are now showing symptoms which in this case, are the cramps. I worried myself throughout the night and eventually when dawn broke, I called my gynae and sought advice. I was asked to go down to his clinic or at least to KKH for an assessment. He wants to rule out the potential of Deep Veins Thrombosis, otherwise known as DVT (this sounds so much like a fashion acromyne. Just 1 letter different from becoming DVF - Diane von furstenberg, hahaha!). 

And so I went, to the O&G clinic on a Sat afternoon and was asked to return on the  following Monday for an ultrasound scan to determine the existence of DVT. 

I shan't go into details of the scan and the unbearable waiting for the report results to be out. To conclude, there was no sign of DVT which is great news and I only have some slight swelling which is common as my weight increases. 

Cleared myself of this DVT worry, and another is just embarking itself onto my pregnancy journey; this familiar and most irritating of all called 'Heartburn'. 

The dramatic detailed scan

Didn't I already warn a gush of emotions washing expectant parents at the 5th month detailed scan of your baby?!!

I thought I was prepared to handle the emotions, I really thought so. Thinking back when Daddy D teared at the detailed scan of Rianne, I was still mocking him inside me. And now, I cannot help feel guilty of wrongly accusing him of being so wimpy and crying over the skeleton pictures of his daughter 8 years back! 

At the detailed scan, we were full of anticipation and undeniable anxiety too. KL was paranoid especially when it was his first time seeing such details of his unborn! He appeared relaxed but I know he was wondering what every single lump, bump showing up on the screen is, and if every measurement the ultrasound technician took implies anything. 

Small small baby (this is what we call him now) was super cooperative accordingly to the technician, as she was able to take all the required readings as requested by Dr Wee. From the images, she explained that small small baby had raised his right thumb like a 'good' sign to show us! She told us that usually babies will be fist-tighted and holding it upright, and very rarely, you get a baby who shows a thumbs up!! The technician shows there were babies before who showed a victory sign, how amazing that is!! 

Ok to the part where I teared. The scan was progressing and 3 of us (KL, me & the technician) were laughing over the thumbs up from small small baby and after that the technician were busy taking a lot of shots from the scan to put them onto a CD for us. I watched the images flashed one after another in front of my eyes, and I couldn't control my emotions anymore! We finally have a baby, and a growing and normal baby!! I find it hard to come to terms especially when I remembered the very traumatizing miscarrage less than 1 year back when my baby was cruelly taken away from us!

But God is good! He is forever full of love and compassion for us! He gave me this second chance which I am so grateful of!

KL is a very happy father-to-be as he kept reminscing about the details of the scan and how our small small baby is such an amazing creature inside his mommy's stomach now!! 

I love you, small small baby and mommy and daddy can't wait for the day to say this to you in person..

Shopping urges!!

I have always been a shopaholic, and I am not ashamed to admit it. But never did I think that my pregnancy hormones actually induce a lot more shopping urges than before! 

It makes total no sense to be drawn to loose, unflattering maternity wear unless you have always been yourself in plus-sized clothes! No, I wasn't attracted to those; but instead the usual pretty clothes in 2 sizes bigger than my pre-pregnant size. 

I love browsing thru racks full of the clothes I would buy without a baby bump, at H&M, Zara, Mango, Cotton On, etc. Then subsequently I get bumped, seriously bumped, because I look fat in those nice clothes meant for slim girls! 

The low-morale me decided to move away from pretty frocks and look at shoes and bags! At least there is no separate 'maternity' category for these 2! 

But I was wrong. Very easily I find myself in situations like "pregnant woman shouldn't wear wedges/heels!", or "this confined style is not suitable for pregnant woman when our feet starts to swell!" and "the shoes not comfortable enough for long walking!" Eventually I ended up drooling over pretty Melissas, funky Brikenstocks and choosing from Crocs..  :(

To me, comfort is the main consideration now where design and style comes after. There is no point flaunting an expensive or gorgeous pair of sandals only to realise you can't actually walk in them! 

I am also starting to reduce the number of stuff I have in my bag daily. As my stomach grows, walking is a challenge and panting or catching my breath is common. So, to make walking (an inevitable task every Monday to Friday) an easier feat for me, I need to go light. Less things in my bag or a smaller bag means I don't have to exert more energy lugging my bag when I walk. 

Waiting for the day where I can simply show up at work with one of my nice little sling bags, and walk with so much ease and comfort.. 

Stress level

I am officially declaring herein that it is such tough work to be expecting a second child while having to juggle work, your first child amongst many other family issues. 

If there was a machine (medically designed or not) to measure my current stress level, you will know that I am not exergerrating. 

Work has been especially crazy, and it is almost impossible to avoid the heavy workload when there is only so much I could delegate. I did considered the fact that I might have to go on part-time if I am getting too much stress from work, so as to minimize the possibility of my pre-emclampsia condition from recurring. Told my bosses this and they were empathic, and of course all of us were hoping that I won't have to go down this route. 

On managing Rianne, I can almost hear myself begging for God's grace to help me tide through every single episode of her headaches and vommitting. It is hard for me as I really am so helpless in these situations and could only pray that those horrible headaches and discomfort will pass as quickly as possible! 

Her school work is the other contributing factor to my high stress level. There's no way I could spend a significant amount of time going through her daily homework, upcoming spelling tests and assessment to mention even read her a proper bedtime story. By trying to complete all of those listed, it would mean that I'l only get to have my dinner past 9pm (10pm at times if Rianne fall asleep later), and have my shower after that before I can finally collapse onto my bed after a hard long day.

It is certainly not fair to my unborn, and I do know that I am not eating as much as I should be at this stage of my pregnancy. I won't blame my husband if he was to accuse me of being negligent to the well-being of my baby! But, I need help..

Sometimes I do wish that people around me can see, remember, bear in mind that I am a pregnant woman. Being pregnant is not a disability, but it means that I am not as good in handling anything too physical, too emotional or too stressful at this point of time; no matter how tough a woman I am. 

The 2nd trimester

For mothers or soon-to-be mothers, you will probably feel the same as me about the second trimester in your pregnancy. 

A happy period where you start to see your baby's limbs and other vital organs being formed and the little movements spotted through the ultrasound scan each time you are at your checkups. 

Both KL and I were ecstatic when our baby moved his arms during my scan, and Dr Wee snapped a picture of him with his right arm high up; as if like he was waving to everyone who was looking at him through the monitor!  

Apart from this happy moment, I was able to feel my appetite returning. I have the appetite to eat more than before in that naseous first trimester. But, I wasn't gaining weight. In fact, I had lost some weight. 

In terms of my food intake, I am taking my meals at regular times as much as possible, and ensuring that I eat healthily; like a well-balanced meal. I find it harder to enjoy/finish my dinner though, and I wonder if it's because I typically have to rush through the meal in order to be able to put Rianne to bed. 

I also started to venture into drinking more water. I realised that it doesn't turn me off as much as before, and I am gradually increasing my water intake by drinking a full glass of water when I take my meds instead of just half a glass. I find this to be a huge improvement, as I am seriously worried if I may eventually become dehydrated or diabetic due to the lack of H2O.

Another exciting part for some mothers would be the time when your baby's gender is being revealed at the detailed scan. Unless you choose not to know, else I bet all parents would be filled with anticipation as they wait for the gynae/ultrasound technician to announce  if it is a boy or a girl you are expecting!

For us, we knew the gender of our baby when I was 11 weeks pregnant. Fetal sex was one of the test components of the harmony test I did, and the results came back to us 1 week after my tubes of blood were sent to the lab in US. 

I didn't exactly prefer one gender over the other as I only care if my baby was healthy (if there was a significant risk for Down Syndrome and other bone deficiencies). Although KL didn't declare his preferance, I am guessing he would be happy if I was expecting a baby boy. Well, it turns out that I am indeed having a baby boy and to me, this news on top of knowing my baby's normal (aka low risk for Down and others) was more than wonderful! 

With my baby's gender now known, the debate is on whether he should have a name with the first letter as 'K' or 'R'. It should be a 'K' since Rianne who is a girl follows my name with the first letter being 'R'. KL likes the name 'Rowan' and I agree it is nice. But I really wish he could respect the naming convention I have set, and finds a name which begins with 'K' for our baby. 

The search for the 'K' name now begins..

The annoying husband

Seriously, I cannot stand how insensitive, immature and annoying the husband can be during the wife's pregnancy! 

In my first pregnancy, I was both quick and hot tempered. I was so independent being single and expecting, since Daddy D was in the UK that time, and we weren't gonna get married ultimately. This time I felt the same, equally independent and enpowered to do a lot of things on my own without the need to rely on KL. I think because of this, I always feel annoyed by things/suggestions from KL. 

Not like I get mad over the slightest thing.  But rather the things/comments from him were the bluntest ever, without a slight consideration to the person listening to him. 

Things from superstitions in pregnancy to pregnancy woes to confinement. He know nuts about them, but yet his comments were ultra-insensitive that makes you feel like telling him to shut up or simply shut him up yourself with a tight slap! 

I don't know. I really need to care less about how annoyed I feel with KL, his words and his actions. I only make myself  angry and unhappy, which is not good at all for the baby. 

If I can wish for something, I wish that all men can put themselves in the pregnant wife's shoes and be a bit more thoughtful, sensitive and understanding on the kind of hormonal, physical and mental changes we are going thru, and leave us alone for goodness sake!! Do only what the husband need to do and don't unnecessarily make 'small actions' to annoy the pregnant wife. 

Thank you, husbands.

High time?

Ok, i think its about time I reveal..

God has been really kind to bless me with another little angel! I cannot thank HIM enough for his wonderful blessings, and the strength HE gave me to press on through the very difficult first trimester of my pregnancy!

As per my past pregnancies, I was spotting very early at the start. In fact, I thought I was having my period and I was all ready to bring on the chunky-uncomfortable-sanitary pads-changing week! But I realised it is not looking anything like the normal menstruation I would have, and decided that maybe I should do a pregancy test.

It was funny how I was saving my very first pee of the day for the test, despite how 'urgent' I needed to go! 

I sat on the toilet bowl, holding the test stick in my hand, and refusing to peep at the results. I wasn't ready to face another disappointment, though we didn't try to conceive accordingly to what would have been the right date/time to try. Still, the anticipation would have killed me; so I eventually had to look. And, there it was! 2 lines appeared on the little window of the stick which means "I'm pregnant!"

It was such an overwhelming joy that I have to share the news with someone, and that someone was no other than Rianne!! I woke her gently from her sleep and told her that "Mommy is having a baby liao!" Her little sleepy eyes opened with bewilderment, and I had to wave the pregnancy test kit in the air to signal to her that the test has proven so. 

Of course the next person to know about my pregnancy was KL. I can't tell exactly how thrilled he was, as he probably was just trying to be as practical as he can be, on the account that we lost a baby a few months back.. 

The decision on not to go back to Dr Han was kinda determined by myself instead of with KL. I knew that only my previous gynae, Dr Wee, would do anything to ensure my pregnancy is not prematurely terminated. I know that I would be in good hands with him, and that his cost (completely private now) will definitely be worth it. It didn't take long for KL to come to the same realisation, as Dr Wee did all he can to prevent me from losing my baby in the same way I did before. 

On my first appointment with him, he placed me on hospitalization leave immediately and gave me a jab to strengthen my foetus while I take bedrest for the next 2 weeks. I was following Dr Wee's advice for the majority of time, but I still chose to work from home some days and even hosted a company event at an old aged home on one of the days! 

The spotting did not stop after 1 week, and Dr Wee gave me another jab. The 2nd week when I was still bleeding, Dr Wee ordered me to be hospitalized. He found a blood clot just above my foetus from the scan and says it isn't good if the spotting still persists. He very clearly says the key priority is to stop the bleeding and ensure I don't lose my baby like the last time. Hence, to be admitted and be on complete bedrest is the best option for me. 

While he gives me another jab (my third already!), I cried and thought of my previous miscarriage. I don't want to go through the same again, I want to protect my baby! With these in mind, I admitted myself to KKH the following day. I was there for a total of 3 days, lying on the bed and only getting off for nature's calls and showers. I stopped bleeding on Christmas Eve and was discharged. 

I count my blessings everyday and thank God for granting me with this second chance to mother a new little life. Because of HIS love, I am able to blog here and tell the whole world that I'm going to be the proud mother of a baby boy!! :)

My precious, my flesh & blood

I almost can't believe that, the little cute body, the tiny limbs with chubby chub chub fingers & toes is now 7 years of age and entering the most important milestone of her life - primary school education. 

My precious baby is all grown up. She now carries a school bag that is as big as her entire upper torso, and wears a school uniform with skirt/shorts hemming over her knees! She even shoo-shoos me away when I stand peeping at her in the canteen on the 3rd day of school!

The experience of Rianne going into primary school has been overwhelming for me. The added responsibilities to ensure that I pack her school bag and snacks box according to the timetable, have her school uniform ironed and ready, prepare her daily allowance, check and sign off her Pupil's Handbook and any other memos to the parents, etc. These and the unbreakable committment of being home on time to tuck her to bed, started to take its toll on me. I learnt that I need to rest as early as Rianne each night so as not to break the daily momentum. 

In a way, this is good. I hardly ever went to bed at 8.30pm or even 9pm. I feel very much rested, though sometimes I struggle a little to fall asleep. This is a smart move as afterall, I have another little life inside of me now, relying on me to grow and develop well.. :)

Depression, you earned it???

I often wonder how is it like in depression? Apart from being depressed, what is it that makes depression a medical condition; one that could even take away your life.. 

Life is so fragile, that sometimes you wished you never lived. For me, I thought I will live a new lease of life after my miscarriage. Move on with my life, work on improving my marriage, eat and live healthily and prep myself for my next pregnancy. No, none of these. I was not doing any of these except taking the folic acid tablets which Dr Han has prescribed. The truth is, I can't.. I am constantly reminded of my baby's death, my baby, who never made it to taking its first breath on planet Earth.

I lost control of myself in a rather extreme way. I took it out on myself more than anyone else. I ate and ate in an attempt to make me feel happier, but it didn't work that way. Instead, my emotions plummeted as my weight soared to a sky high. 

Before I was married to KL, I weighed around 42 kg; and had a nice figure that I was proud of being a mother of one. My failed pregnancy gave me lots of weight and I never lost them even though I lost my baby. I actually weigh a freaking 52 kg now, and increasing! My best friend had pressed on my hand one day and told me I had lots of water in my body aka 'water retention'. 

It didn't bother me. I didn't care if my body was akin to a water bomb, and if I look ugly being so heavy and fat. I wanted to look exactly fat and ugly. I want to look as if I am still pregnant. I want people to look at me and feel envious of me being pregnant. I want to watch my belly expand as my 'pregnancy' progresses. I want passengers on the MRT to give up their seat to me so that I do not get tired standing on the train with my big belly. I wanted all of these, I so freaking want them!!!! 

It got to a point where I started feeling jealous of the thing I don't have anymore and other people still has. I so hate the fact that they are happy to be fat, to be pleased to receive a seat on the overcrowded trains at peak hours, to be sashaying around with that almost-exploding belly of theirs, to have a life inside their stomach and waiting to make their life complete. I so hate them! I should be like them, I was going to be like them!! 

I still tear whenever I see a pregnant woman, I still feel that loss, like it was only yesterday when Dr Han told us my foetus had no more heartbeat. I wanted that day to had never happened, to be completely deleted from my memory, I want to be happy not depressed. 

Confessions of a workaholic

I know you have probably read a similar 'confession' post in my blog a few years back.. but I'm sure I wasn't bragging about work then.

Who in a good state of mind would ever confess they are a workaholic?! People who bury themselves into tonnes and tonnes of work are often (at least by the superficial me) categorized as 'people with no lives'.  This group is typically seen as the least desirable population of people, since they rather be working every minute of their life than to be caught dead socializing or enjoying life.

People who stay late at work all the time (with the exception of those working closely with the Americas or the EMEA region) are always doubted. They are deemed to be inefficient with poor time management skills, and hence couldn't finish their work on time n need to work beyond the official hours. 

But, no one remembers the term 'burnt out'? 

When someone says they are burnt out at work, it means they are drowning by the tremendous work volume; and have directly/indirectly caused an impact on their family/social lives; which brings us to another term commonly heard in the corporate world - 'Worklife Balance'. 

Workaholics in the instance of work being overloaded, do not have the mindset to stop working at 6pm and come back the next day to complete the outstanding work. They try their very best to finish up so as not to snowball to the next day. 

Yes, you may say that this is not a long term solution to a 'burn out'. I agree, but that is probably the only way out when it is clear that you are short of resources, and that no one else can do what you do in your team until something happens. 

So for now, I remain a workaholic and return to home past midnight, staring at my daughter's beautiful face as she laid on the bed fast asleep. 

My shortlived happiness

No words can describe the grief in losing my unborn in just a few weeks' time. In fact, I don't reckon anyone can ever understand or feel the same way as I did; unless they have undergone the same. Actually, no, I would never want another woman to go through the same grief, as it is really too, too painful. 

But, reality bites; and it bites really hard, so much that you need to give yourself a bite in order to believe that it wasn't a nightmare.. 

On my second appointment with Dr Han, he detected a tiny weeny foetus with a little weak heartbeat. To us, that was an improvement compared to my first visit. But, Dr Han did not feel the same. He was quite certain that my baby did not grow, as he was expecting a 6 weeks old foetus to be bigger and have a more postive heartbeat.

Dr Han dropped the bomb on us next. He asked if we want to remove the foetus now or wait for another week. I was at a loss and also in shock, I did not believe that my baby was not going to make it. I'm quite sure KL was not processing what Dr Han said, as he was completely speechless too.

I had to protect my baby. I was not ready to give it up. I wanted to give him another chance to fight for his survival, so how can me, his mother, derive him of the chance?! I told Dr Han I wanted to wait, and he said fine, but there has to be growth by next week else we will lose the baby eventually. 

That one week's wait was unbearable, but what was to come in the consultation was more than unbearable. Dr Han did the scan for me, and he could not find a heartbeat in my foetus; not anymore. 

He recommended the foetus removal to be done in the hospital on the next working day. Dr Han tried his best to console me by asking me not to be too sad as I can conceive again after this miscarriage. He added that it is actually better as it is detected early than later on in my pregnancy when it might be too hard for me to take it then.

My world came crashing down. I quickly took all the instructions and necessary paperwork from the nurses at the clinic in auto-pilot mode, and wanted to just bury my face into my pillow back at home. I couldn't hold back my tears, and started weeping on the train ride home; making Rianne sob at the same time too. Rianne was not taking the news too well. She was extremely upset that she isn't going to have a baby brother or sister anymore.

I cried myself to bed twice, after waking up at 6am in the morning and unable to go back to sleep. I refused to accept the fact that my baby had died. I hate to believe that this tragedy had happened to me. Why me? Why my baby?! Why couldn't it stay longer with us? Why, why, why???!!

Then I started blaming myself, blaming my husband. It must be me who had been careless, clumsy, or ignorant and not know what I may have done to hurt my body, and killed my own flesh and blood! Or, it must have been KL. He was too weak and as a result, our baby was conceived too weak and couldn't survive!  

So many thoughts came streaming through my mind, and at a point; I began hallucinating. I felt that my baby has revived, and is growing as I could feel its heartbeat and its strong kicks telling me, it's alive! 

When Monday finally came, all the hallucinations stopped. It seems like I suddenly got enlightened, and was accepting the miscarriage perfectly. I sat through the entire registration process calmly, until when KL has to be separated from me; I started feeling scared. 

I was so fearful, and couldn't stop crying from one service point to another. When I was finally pushed into the operating threatre, I broke down completely. I was emotionally unstable, and was shivering so badly that everyone inside thought I was too cold. 

The nurses and staff in the theatre took turns to come forward to wipe the tears away from my face, and comforted me by assuring me that everything will be fine. I don't know how long this went on. But I remembered the last person who consoled me was a doctor from Dr Han's team. She carried Dr Han's instruction to come check on me first, and start the anesthesia.

My last words when I was still sober was "I don't want..".

The next time I was conscious, I heard someone telling me to open my mouth; as I felt something being taken out of my mouth, which is likely the tube which was placed during the GA to facilitate my breathing. 

The entire procedure was done so quickly even before I realise it. I had asked a nurse just so that it is confirmed that Dr Han had already removed my foetus. 

My nerves got the better out of me again, and I was crying uncontrollably lying down in a drowsy state in the recovery room. The nurses who came to check on me, wiped my tears and comforted me by saying that I can always try again and asked me to be strong and take good care of my body. 

You know, the entire experience at KKH was really heartwarming. Although I was alone undergoing the surgery, everyone cared and shown concern; and gave me encouragement when they need not have to. I couldn't have been more thankful to the nurses and staff who were accompanying me through this hardest time of my life. Of course, I was more than grateful to have KL waiting for me outside the Day Sugery centre, and taking care of me in his best possible ways back at home. 

Yesterday I saw a beautiful butterfly flying towards me when I opened my gate. It was fluttering its wings so eagerly, flying right into my arms. I knew it was my baby, my beautiful baby, who is as free as a butterfly now.. 

May you rest in peace, my baby. 

A new journey begins.. again!!!

Vivid memories of how and why I started blogging started to surface today.. I remembered I wanted to document all my precious moments during my entire pregnancy, including the good, the bad, and even the ugly!! The ultimatum can be found at the end of this post..

Now, here I am again, at this same phase of my life; bringing into the world a new addition to our family in a few months' time! :)

I don't really want to fuss about my pregnancy.. Hell no! How can I not fuss?! Who am I trying to kid?!!! I am more than just fussing, I am extremely careful and super thankful! For a start, my gratitude goes to only God, coz he heard and answered my constant prayers! Halijueja!! 

Being 37 this year, pregnancy can actually mean a dangerous 'medical condition' for me; especially since I had complications in my last pregnancy. 

My very professional gynae went on to greener pastures at the very private Mt Elizabeth Novena Center where he practices gynaecology and ob. No more is he at the affordable KK Women's & Children's hospital, where he was very catiously monitoring my pregnancy complication known as 'pre-eclampsia' and delivering Rianne safely.

I would love to go back to Dr Wee HY, but all I can say is, it will be a goddamn luxury if I engage him at the kind of rates his private clinic charges! 

Knowing that I might have to undergo a bunch of tests before finalizing my pregnancy, there was no time to lose! I knew a couple of my BFFs had their children delivered at private hospitals and that was not our plan. I seriously agree with what my friend, X, had urged about me going with KKH since I have a history of pre-eclampsia. Hence, we needed to find a 'replacement' to my Dr Wee who delivers at KKH. 

My friend X and Z had shared their experiences with Dr Han How Chuan who delivered their kids 7 years and 3 years back respectively. I felt kinda assured somehow hearing how confident this Dr Han is, and decided to do more research on him. I was already suspicious  of this Dr Han being the same Dr Han whom my mom is seeing since her operation a decade or two back, and a picture obtained from the internet confirmed this!! 

With this, I set my eyes on this Dr Han and wanted him to deliver my second child.. So, I called up KKH more than eagerly to secure an appointment with the very in-demand Dr Han (deduced this from testimonials & forums online) at approximately 7 weeks of my pregnancy. 

Who would have expected history to repeat itself and I was having spotting again (it happened in the first trimester too when I was with Rianne!) that came with lower abdomen and pelvis pain. 

The spotting lasted an entire day on Friday and continued into Saturday, when I decided not to take it lightly and went straight to the A&E at KKH. 

I cannot tell you how tramautic the whole experience was for me, right from the minute the doctor says they couldn't see my pregnancy and ordered a blood test for me. The test for the BCG level will determine if my pregnancy is normal or if it might be an abnormal one, such as an etopic pregnancy. 

Blood test results came back, and the concerned doctor wanted to be double sure and ordered for an ultrasound scan to see if they can find the foetus. Still nothing can be seen. The A&E doctor wanted me to return in 2 days time to assertain the pregnancy, but 3 days later I will be meeting Dr Han. Thus, I can just see Dr Han on Tuesday itself for his further examination. 

Anxious for my first gynae visit with KL, and even more anxious for Dr Han to confirm my pregnancy is normal and stable..

The ultimatum as mentioned, my post childbirth state in 2009!!